


Boot Camp (AU)

by amethyst86



Category: Supernatural
Genre: AU, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-06
Updated: 2015-02-07
Packaged: 2018-03-10 19:11:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 15
Words: 26,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3300488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amethyst86/pseuds/amethyst86
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean is an unhappy teenager, his father sends him to Military School to improve his life...</p><p>Story revolves around flashbacks and present day. Rape/Abuse storyline.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Prologue**

"Stand too!" A voice ordered, a sound of authority ringing through the air. Upon the first syllable this person utters from their mouth, the nineteen men around me stop what they are doing. In under five seconds we are stood in a straight line, standing side by side, our arms firmly attached to our sides, none of us even daring to breathe too heavily. None of us want the added attention of this person.

You know when you are in a room, and you can feel the atmosphere? Like, when you're in a bar, and the main feeling around you is happiness, a general feeling of relaxation surrounds you. Or when you are outside of a club, and there are drunken men all around, and the feeling is uneasy, the kind of uneasy where you just know that something major is about to happen, somebody is about to get their ass kicked.

The atmosphere in this specific part of the huge field that we are stood in now, is a tense, un-nerving one. The same kind of feeling that tells all of us stood in this line that the next ten minutes or so are not going to be easy. One of us will be brought down.

Why do I have that all too familiar feeling that, the person brought down will be me? Again!

"Soldier, your shirt has not been ironed properly. How many creases should there be Soldier Carlisle?" Sergeant Crowley screamed into the face of a frightened newcomer. As he started his rant about the slight imperfection, I let my mind wander, the easiest distraction to stop you taking anything that bastard says to heart.


	2. Chapter 2

_*Flash back*_  
 **Four Years Ago...**  
 _"Dean, come down here for a minute, your old man has something to tell you!" My dad shouts up the stairs at me._  
 _I hate it when my parents call up to me at the wrong time, when I'm busy, when I have to hide the fact that I am crying again. I jump from my bed, flipping my pillow to hide the tear marks that stain the white fabric_.  
 _I run into the bathroom and lean on the wash basin, my forehead so close to the mirror of the medicine cabinet that I can feel the cold air leaving the glass surface._  
 _"Winchester, report immediately!" Dad shouts again._  
 _I hate it even more when he throws in terms from his old army days. Just because he was in the army for six years, he finds it acceptable to run around spouting of all of these phrases that the general in charge of his troop used to say to him_.  
 _Doesn't he get it? I'm his kid not his soldier._  
 _I rub at my cheeks, making the tear tracks disappear. I don't look like I've been crying, not really, just blood shot eyes. If I'm lucky, he'll just think I've snorted some cocaine. I laugh to myself sarcastically, and then jog down the stairs, hoping to look the cheerful, happy teenager that I'm not. Parents have to be kidding right? What thirteen year old is... happy? It's the wrong time of life to be happy. Cliques have already been picked at school, by now you already know whether you’re going to be the ‘popular’ kid, the ‘jock’ or the ‘nerd’. Difference with me? I had no clique. I didn’t even fit in with the nerds. I was my own clique, an outsider looking in. I used to think that was ok, that actually I was happier on my own. No other kids in my school have had the upbringing I’ve had, none of them understands how hard it is to be treated like a cadet rather than a son. How alone this has made me feel. So yes, I’m far from happy, I don’t fit in, hell, I’m not even sure I want too. This world doesn’t seem the right one for me._  
 _At the bottom of the stairs, I almost bang into my dad, as he turns out of lounge._  
 _"There you are soldier, step into my quarters!" He demands, steering me by my shoulders into the kitchen. I walk over to the breakfast bar and pull myself up on to the stool, I always was short for my height, and these stools just took the piss. I don't say anything, instead, my eyes follow my fathers movements around the kitchen_.  
 _"Dean, me and your mother have noticed that you aren't happy at school..." He started, and my body tensed up. How did he know that I wasn't happy at school. "... We wanted to, well, I wanted to talk to you about why you aren't happy!"_  
 _As usual, this comment wasn't so much a question asked by a concerned parent as it was a command made my sergeant general to one of his squadron members_.  
 _"I'm fine at school, Dad!" I stutter, my eyes darting down to the tiles that decorated the table in front of me._  
 _"Look, Dean, we've had calls from the school. They've told us about incidents that have occurred over the past two months. They have told us about the numerous letters they have sent home with you, none of which your mother and I have seen!" Dad's voice is just as stern, it's almost as if my unhappiness is a naughty act, like something I should be able to control_.  
 _"Yeah, well, I asked them not to send home stupid letters in the first place, I don't want anybody to get involved..." I trail at the end of my sentence, I look down at my trainers and scuff the floor with my heel._  
 _"Dean, getting bullied is nothing to be ashamed of, at the end of the day it's them who have the problem! You shouldn't get so down about it!" Dad says. He almost succeeded in being sincere there, he'll have to be careful if he wants to uphold his tough man image._  
 _"Yes it is, popular kids don't get bullied! It's not like I ask for this to get me down but for some reason my head can't take the insults, my body can't take the punches!" I want to yell, but I keep my voice calm, raising your voice at my father is never a good idea_.  
 _"Well, it's all being sorted now, you won't have to put up with no more punches, no more abuse!" Dad says, as if it is that simple._  
 _"If you've butted your nose into this, then it's likely to be twenty times worse! You realise that if those guys get called into the principal’s office and get a not to subtle ticking off about everything, they are going to get at my back so much more!" I point out, I stamp my foot in a toddler like fashion._  
 _"It don't matter if those guys get told any which way, Dean, because we are taking you out of the school!" Dad says, awfully calm seeing as he just dropped such a bombshell on me._  
 _"What?!" Again, I want to shout it, but I keep my voice down._  
 _"Well, me and your mother, we thought that maybe it's about time you were off to military school!" He's still too calm for my liking._  
 _"NO!" I shout this time, and I don't care, how could he do this to me?_  
 _"When I was your age son, I had been in military school for four years already, and almost ready for actual army training!"_  
 _So. Smug. What I want to say right now is, "Who cares what the fuck you did, what about what I want to do?!" Instead I settle with a, "I won't go!" And I stomp up the stairs and slam my door. The teen years are taking over._

 

"Cadet Winchester! Attention!"  
That same loud, booming voice screams at me. I shake my head and breakaway from my memories and face my present, my present and my not too distant future. Once you come to these kinds of places, they kind of already have your future planned. You stay in the military school, more commonly known by the squadron members as 'boot camp,' (It's sure as hell how it feels!) until you are eighteen years of age, give or take a few months depending on where your birthday falls, coinciding with the academic year. Then as soon as the final academic year had past, you were sent off to the nearest military base, ready to start basic training as part of the army, getting prepared for any future wars. This is not what I wanted. At all.  
I quickly straighten up my back, and bring my right hand up to my forehead and salute Sergeant Crowley. Just as quickly, I slap my arm back down to my side and stare directly in front of me, not daring to eye the Sergeant, for this was seen as a sin. Most people call it manners, you know, to maintain eye contact. But if you tried it here, you were instantly told to drop and give twenty. I can barely give five, let alone twenty.  
"Cadet Winchester, look at your boots!" The Sergeant orders me, but I keep my eyes firmly facing forwards. I have learnt from the past not to instantly obey a command like this. With time, I realised that if a Sergeant or anyone higher than you in fact, asked you to do something, it was rhetorical, and if it wasn't rhetorical, they would ask you again. This time I was right, the question was rhetorical, Sergeant Crowley didn't repeat himself.  
"I do believe we have had this discussion before, Winchester. Just yesterday as a matter of fact!" The sergeant walks a circle around me, and I can feel his eyes wandering over my body, checking that everything is how he would like it. Not possible, in my case at least.  
"Sir, which discussion, Sir?" I say in a half raised voice. I have never understood why we need to shout. What, are all Sergeants deaf?  
"The boots Winchester, they are disgusting. How many times do I have to show you how to polish your boots properly?"  
"Sir, I don't know, Sir!" I say, in the same, half raised voice. I furrow my brow in frustration. I did everything right this morning. Belt buckle shined. Shirt ironed, no creases. Trousers ironed, one required crease running down each leg. And the shoes.  
I rubbed at those boots harder than I believed it was possible. Never in the four years that I have been here have my boots been cleaner, never have they had such a shine. You could practically see your reflection in them for fuck sake.  
"This has happened more times than I can remember, Winchester. I want you in my quarters in precisely one hour!" Sergeant Crowley says, calmly, but making sure I understood that it was an order.  
Like I wouldn't have known anyway. For the past three years, anything this man has said to me has never been less than an order.  
I nod my head to acknowledge Crowley's command, and allow my eyes to follow his movement as he moves on to his next victim.


	3. Chapter 3

_*Flashback*_  
 _Three Years Ago..._  
 _The impala car turns off of the motorway and all I can see is fields. Five minutes down the road and we are pulling into the grounds of a place called, "The Kansas Pre-Marines Military School."_  
 _"But I don't want to go to military school!" I whine from the back of the car for the thousandth time since my dad told me he had signed me up for this school._  
 _"You'll thank me in ten years time, son. When you are a strong-willed, well built young man!" He said, his eyes not leaving the road for a second._  
 _"I don't want to be in the army, I don't want to go to this school, I just want to go home," I grumble, but I know this message is more for myself than anybody else._  
 _My dad would have stopped listening by now, and my mum has stayed completely out of this whole thing. She doesn't seem bothered with where I go to school, and whatever makes my dad happy, makes her happy. Sammy, my younger brother, who will be in for the same fate in his near future, also sits in silence in the back seat next to me._  
 _The car stops outside of a big, white stone building, the kind of buildings you thought only existed in books. This place looked like a castle, with it's four floors and God only knows how many rooms were in this place._  
 _"Dean," My mothers soft voice penetrates my thoughts as she beckons me out of the car. ‘Sammy, you wait here.’_  
 _I sit tight, clenching my fists, determined not to move. This doesn't work for very long. My dad comes round to the car door and pulls it open with a scowl on his face._  
 _This said man salutes us as we enter the building. Dad pushes me in front of the man who eyes me slowly, taking in my every detail._  
 _"He's rather... small, isn't he?" The man says, looking over at my dad._  
 _"Not small, once he's had some training up, those assault courses can do wonders, you know that, Crowley!" Dad says, stepping up beside me and shaking the mans hand._  
 _"Sergeant Crowley in front of the cadet's, John!" Crowley winks at my father, then looks back down at me. "It'll be a lot of work, but I'm willing to give it a try!"_  
 _What about whether I want to give it a try. That's what I want to say, but instead I just nod, and walk over to my mum, pulling her into a hug._  
 _"We'll get rid of that sissy side here, John, rest assured!" I hear Crowley say to my dad in a whispered tone, he just wasn't quiet enough._  
 _Looking at this man, a man who I found out was to be in charge of my squadron for the next four years, until I left for the army, I knew I didn't like him, I didn't like him one little bit._

 

"I don't understand what Crowley has against you Winchester!" Gabriel said to me when we were back in the dorm room. Over the three years that I had been at this God forsaken place, I had shared my dorm room with Gabriel, and his older brother, Balthazar. This arrangement was a lot better than most people had it. Fair enough, like Gabriel and I, most people had befriended, and became close mates with their dorm partners, but most people didn't have someone as great as Balthazar watching over them.  
Each dorm room had two cadets, and each pair of cadets had trainee sergeants that made sure no trouble occurred during the hours that cadets were left to their own devises in the barracks.  
Balthazar, along with all the others trainee's aspired to be just like Sergeant Crowley and the other Sergeants that milled about the place. One thing for sure, Balthazar would make a much better Sergeant than Crowley any day.  
"Gabriel, how many times do I have to ask you to call me Dean?" I sigh, plonking myself onto the hard mattress of my bed, my face embedded in my pillow.  
"Once more couldn't hurt!" I could almost hear Gabriel grinning. "But seriously, what happened between you and Crowley? He's always at your throat, since as long as I can remember!"  
"I don't fucking know, all I know is, I can't do a damn fucking thing right!" I groan into my pillow.  
"Language Winchester!" I hear Balthazar's voice as he enters the room. "I've just come to get you, you're due in Crowley's office in five minutes. Come on!"  
I roll over and practically fall off the bed, I land on my feet and bounce back up to standing. Balthazar smiles at me and puts his arm on my shoulder. I flinch and he eyes me, taking his arm away he starts walking out of the room, winking at Gabriel on the way.  
"Winchester, move it!" Balthazar calls, and I jog slowly behind him, trying to keep up.  
Three minutes later, and I am stood behind Balthazar, and we are stood outside one of the many buildings that fills the acres of the school.  
There's a cadet building, actually, there are four of these, one for each year group of squadrons. Being in year four, I now stayed in the bigger building, along with 39 other men. Being here the longest entitled us to slightly bigger rooms, better bathrooms, and a bigger lounge with a bigger television, a combi with a DVD player. Not that we had much time for television, let alone DVD's. Each year was split into two separate squadrons of twenty. That's why this military school is the hardest place to get into. There are only forty new places a year, and a lot of people are signed up from birth, I think even I was signed up from birth, there would have been no other way I could have gotten in with only six months notice. Gabriel only got in through the skin of his teeth, and the fact that his brother had proved to be such a good Cadet.  
Other buildings included the canteen, there were work out rooms, otherwise known as gyms. The only rooms that were contained in the main building of the base, the white stone building, were the classrooms where we were taught the basic Literature, Maths, and Science. We also had the choice of 'enrichment courses.' These were, of course, only had to be taken if we chose to. Only a few people actually chose to do the courses, I was one of them. The more time we spent on actual schooling, was less time on the field, and that's exactly how I liked it.  
The building we were stood in front of now was the staff building. Here was where the offices (or quarters if you want to get technical) of the Sergeant's, General's, Lieutenants, and anybody else who worked at the military base basically. The staff also slept here, with bedrooms attached to the offices. Not many people knew that the bedrooms were here also, I was one of the few, possibly the only one, who knew this.  
Balthazar pulled a flap up that covered a pin pad, where he entered a code that opened the door to the building. Every building had one of these pin pads. Cadets only knew the code to their own building, no other code was at our hands. Balthazar nods towards the door, signalling me to step forwards, where I am met by Crowley. I offer a wonky smile up at him, then turn back, hoping to God that Balthazar is planning on staying close.  
"Thank your supervisor, Winchester," Crowley orders me.  
"Thank you, Balthazar!" I lower my head, and speak towards the floor.  
"Properly, Winchester, you speak to your superiors with respect!" Crowley's voice shows a hint of disdain.  
"Thank you, Cadet Michaels, sir!" I say with the same tone that I would talk to any other Sergeant, Major, whatever, who speaks to me.  
Balthazar nods his head in acknowledgement, then shuts the building door behind him. The click of the lock echoes along the empty corridor.  
"Follow me, quickly," Crowley barks his order, and turns towards his office.  
I stand rooted to the spot for a second or two, then realise it would be better for myself to just get this done with. I put my foot forward and start to walk, my legs feeling more like jelly with every step.


	4. Chapter 4

_*Flashback*_  
 _**Two and a Half years ago...** _  
_I've been at the school for almost seven months now, and it's almost time to go home for Spring Break. Unlike ordinary school, we only get three days off, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. We are expected back at the grounds by 3pm on the Monday. Taking the piss slightly, I would much prefer the two weeks that my old school used to give us._  
 _The past few months have been surprisingly alright. I've kept my nose clean, keeping as far away from trouble as I can. I was warned by the older cadet's as soon as I started that Sergeant Singer was one to watch out for. Apparently he was evil. Still, to this day I have never seen this sergeant. I figure this sergeant is saved only for the really hostile cadet's._  
 _One good thing that has come from my dad's years in the army, is the connection between he and Sergeant Crowley. He treats me like a star compared to the rest of the cadet's. One thing that is a little strange though, is that he invites me to his quarters at least once a day. He'll ask me how I'm coping, and whether anyone is giving me hassle. It makes me think that maybe my dad has paid extra for Crowley to look out for my well-being whilst I'm here._  
 _Today, Crowley calls me at a ridiculous hour of the morning. As soon as I am up, out of my bed and dressed, Balthazar is walking me down towards the staff building. The time is barely 7am, I haven't eaten yet, or been through the morning inspection. Balthazar enters the code into the hidden pin pad and allows me to find my own way to Crowley’s office._  
 _I walk down the corridor, until I reach the fourth door on the left, which is Crowley's barracks. I knock gently, and the door opens almost immediately._  
 _"Winchester, come through!" Crowley nods at me and stands back._  
 _"Sir," I acknowledge his request and step into his office. I take the seat that I always sit in when I am here, I have been told at every meeting that I needn't wait to be asked to be seated, in this office, Crowley tells me, things will be a little less formal._  
 _"How are you today, Dean?" Crowley asks, he sits in his comfy looking leather chair on the other side of the desk._  
 _"The same as when you asked me yesterday, sir!" I say, not meaning to be cheeky, but it more than likely sounded that way. The sentence was mumbled into my shirt, my eyes looking down at my boots that gleam their cleanness back up at me._  
 _"For a fourteen year old, Dean, you aren't as... boisterous as would be expected," Crowley said, leaning forward on his desk now, so his eye line was level with mine._  
 _I just nod, not knowing what to say to this. Crowley sighs and stands up. He walks around the desk and stands behind me_.  
 _"Stand up, Winchester," Crowley orders, he is back to being formal with me again. I follow his orders, I stand, I stay facing towards where Crowley was sat just a few moments before. I know from earlier meetings like this that when I am given an order, I do nothing but what has been asked of me. I hear Crowley moving around behind me, he's making some strange noises. I'm curious, but I don't move._  
 _"Walk towards the table, then turn around and sit on it," Crowley orders, his voice raspy._  
 _"Sir," I acknowledge, confused by this strange request. I step forward, my head always, looking at my feet. I turn and pull myself up onto the desk. I swing my feet, my eyes watching their movement._  
 _"Look at me!" Crowley says, he sounds strange._  
 _I look up, and I am shocked at what I see before me. I clumsily slide back on the table to get further away from Crowley. I knock a cup of coffee all over the desk and screech as the boiling hot liquid scolds my hand. I wave my hand out in front of me, hoping the air will cool it down, it helps slightly, but the scolded hand is the last thing on my mind as my eyes catch Crowley again._  
 _When I had looked up, Crowley had his trousers and his boxers around his ankles, and he had been touching himself. He had this strange smile on his face as he did this, his eyes had been settled on my face._  
 _After the coffee episode, Crowley had pulled his trousers back up and he was walking back towards the desk. I could still see his erection through his trousers, and as much as I wanted to look away, it was as if my eyes were rooted to that one area. As he took another step closer, I scrambled off the desk, getting coffee all over my clean-on uniform. I fall from the edge of the desk, and smash my knee against the floor. I whimper again as I get up. I step back a couple of times, and find myself stood by the door. Even after what has just happened, I wait for permission to leave, before I do._  
 _"Don't be telling any one about this, Winchester, you hear me?" Crowley sits behind his desk, he rests his elbows on the edge and gets them soaked in coffee._  
 _I just nod, I don't think I'm capable of words right now._  
 _Crowley nods back at me before giving me permission to leave._  
 _"I'll see you tomorrow, Dean!" A Smile crosses Crowley’s face, and he winks at me. If anyone was to look in on this scene, they would think that last sentence was a fatherly figure speaking to a child they really cared about. Not a communication between a man who had just masturbated in front of a fourteen-year-old child. This man was sick._

I follow Crowley into his office. He flicks on the light switch as we enter. Although the day is still young, winter is approaching, and the weather is making the days dark and dismal at 9am, let alone at 3pm.  
"Sit!" Crowley orders. He walks around his desk, and I watch him hopefully as I sit down. If he sits down, this little meeting will be easier than others, if he stays standing, it will be the worst sort of meeting I can have with Crowley. I take a deep breath as Crowley stops at the side of his leather chair. He puts his hand on the back of it, but he doesn't sit down. Shit.  
"You know why I've bought you here, Winchester?" Crowley asks me, his eyes glaring down into my own.  
So you can hurt me again, is what I want to say, instead I stay silent. Questions from Crowley are like his orders, some of them you just know he doesn't want a response, if he does, he will ask again. I keep my eyes focused on the back of the leather chair, not daring to make eye contact, eye contact was the worst option for me. It always moved things along quicker. The quicker things moved along, the less chance of an interruption. Every time I'm in this office, I beg for an interruption.  
"You know, Winchester, for a seventeen-year-old, you aren't very... boisterous!" Crowley says, stepping back to my side of the desk. This was the starter line for what came next. He always said that, and it always made my stomach flip, making me want to throw up. I clench my fists by my side, I grind my teeth, and I tense up every muscle in my body. He’s beside me now, and he leans down so that he is at my level. He spins my chair around so that I have to look at him. I try to lower my head, my favourite trick to get away from his eyes, his menacing eyes. He doesn't let me have this pleasure though, he puts his hand out and holds my face still, his face is but centimetres from mine. I can feel his other hand at the waistband of my combat trousers. He has undone the button, and pulled the zipper down. My heart jumps into my mouth, and my head spins as he tugs the trousers from under my ass. The God's are against me today, they can't help me delay the moment can they? No, they make my boxers slip down with the trousers. I'm now completely exposed and as vulnerable as I ever could be.  
Crowley's hand is still holding my head still, but his head moves lower, and I feel a warmth around my dick as his mouth engulfs me. I hate this the most. This makes me feel so dirty, and it also confuses me. I don't want this to happen, it's the last thing in the world that I want to happen, but for some reason, my dick always responds, I always get an erection, and tiny groans always escape my mouth.  
Tears roll down my cheeks as Crowley carries on, his hand has left my face now, and is running down my chest. I want to scream, but I gulp the sound down, knowing that Crowley will hurt me if I dare to scream. I tried that option once before, I still have the scar from where he punished me for that.  
Crowley jumps slightly when a knock at the door disturbs his actions. Thank you God. Crowley stands up, he wipes his mouth.  
"Get your trousers up and wipe your eyes, you little sissy!" He snaps in a loud whisper. He walks over towards the door and puts his hand on the handle. He turns back to check I have put myself straight, when he is satisfied, he pulls open the door.  
"Harvelle, how nice to see you!" I think it's only me who can hear the sarcasm in Crowley's voice.  
"Sergeant!" Harvelle nods at Crowley and steps into the office. I like Harvelle, she's the Military school receptionist. She's always been really nice to all of the cadets, I don't think there is one Cadet that doesn't get on with her. I've always seen her as more of a friend than a 'teacher' so to speak, she's easy to talk to, and if Gabriel's in a lesson and I'm on my own, I'll always go to reception and just chat to her. She lets me call her Ellen rather than Ms Harvelle, she thinks that's to formal, and she hates formalities.  
As Ellen walks into the office now, she winks at me, and offers a sympathetic smile before turning back to Crowley.  
"I'm busy with a cadet, Harvelle, can't this wait?" Crowley asks, looking annoyed.  
"I can see you are busy Sir, but this can't wait. The therapists here!" Ellen says, sounding brisk, as if she wants to get out of here as much as I do.  
"Therapist?" Crowley clicks his tongue, looking confused.  
"Yes. Remember at the staff meeting, Lieutenant Campbell told us about how she had hired him for the cadets!" Ellen explained, looking towards the door. "He's waiting outside.  
Lieutenant Campbell's wants all of the sergeant's to meet him, and to work out time slots for each of the cadets!"  
"And I need to do this now?" Crowley looked like a stroppy teenager who had been told they weren't allowed out for the biggest concert of the year.  
"Well, Sergeant Mitchell has already set times for his cadets for later this evening, so as of 4pm he will be busy, which only leaves forty five minutes for you to work out your times and for you to get acquainted!" Ellen sighed, "So, yes, now, Sir!"  
"Fine. But I assure you I am not happy about this!"  
Well I am! I feel like dancing in my chair, but I sit motionless, waiting to be excused.  
"What's this mans name?" Crowley asks, walking back to his side of the desk.  
"Shouldn't you excuse Cadet Winchester first, Sir?" Ellen winks at me again and looks back at Crowley.  
"Fine, Winchester, you can leave, but we aren't finished here!" Crowley barks his order and looks back up at Ellen. "So, Harvelle, his name?"  
I jump up from my chair and head towards the door. The last thing I hear before I close the door is the therapists name.  
"His name, Sir, is Castiel Novak. He's only been practising for a few years but he's..." Ellen is explaining when I close the door behind me. I turn around to leave the building and almost bang into a man who is stood outside the office. I look up at him and notice the nervous look on his face. His mouth is twitching slightly, and his eyes are looking nervously around the corridor, until he lays them onto me. He smiles a warm smile, a smile that reaches his eyes. Eyes that glisten brightly.  
I take in his short, scruffy brown hair, scruffy but the kind of scruffy that looks good, it's like he's just woken up, flyaway and stuck up. I lower my gaze and I take in the mans beautiful blue eyes, eyes that are taking in my own appearance. I feel myself blush and divert my eyes to the door of the building. The man holds his hand out, ready for me to shake it. I don't. Instead, a cold feeling rushes through my body, and I feel my limbs tense up. A tear falls down my cheek as I run out of the building, and back to my dorm.


	5. Chapter 5

_*Flashback*_   
_**Two And Half Years Ago...** _   
_It's a few days after the incident in Crowley's office, and for those few days, I had the foolish thought running through my head that he was going to leave me alone from now on. I hadn't been called to his office for three days straight, and he hadn't had me up for anything at inspections. He hadn't even told me I was slacking on the assault courses, which was strange because I'm always slacking on those stupid things. What stupid person wants to crawl through the mud on their hands and knees? Me apparently. That's where I am now, underneath a wire mesh, the rain lashing down over me, mud covering every pore of my body. I'm here alone now, at this part of the course at least. I started the course first, with two other cadets, they left me over an hour ago. The people behind me, the last trio out, passed me twenty minutes ago. It's just me, crawling along the ground, still a mile away from the end of this course. This is the worst course, this is the one course that always beats me. It's the wall at the end, I'm always too tired to climb over. By the time I've been dismissed from trying, the rest of the cadets are asleep in their beds. By the time I'm showered and clean, the sun is coming up._   
_I reach the end of the wire mesh and I get up to my feet and shiver with the cold. I run forward and grab the rope swing that carries me over the dirty pool of water beneath me. As usual, my hands slip and I splash in. The water smells all too familiar, the stench of excrement fills my nose, the liquid cascades into my mouth and makes me want to throw up. I swim to the edge of the pool and try to climb out, but with the rain the river edge had turned into sludge. Every time I tried to climb out, I slipped back in, more and more water filling my mouth, more and more entering my stomach. My stomach cramps and I forget trying to get out for a moment, and trying to rub the pain away._  
I feel a pair of arms pull me up from under my arms, and next thing I am laying on the riverside, a voice telling me to cough it up, get it out of my system. It's a voice I don't want to be hearing.   
_"Come on Winchester! Cough it up then get up!" Crowley orders, kneeling over me._   
_I shake my head. "I can't do it!" I'm actually sobbing, tears pouring down my cheeks. The smell and taste of sewage was too much, I lean up and throw up everything I have just swallowed._   
_Crowley doesn't look the slightest bit sympathetic; instead he drags me up to my feet and orders me to carry on. I try to get across how much pain I'm in but Crowley is having none of it. So I jog on, around the river and we are at the cross country part of the course._   
_For ten minutes I am being trailed by Crowley, I'm lucky I haven't collapsed I'm so tired. And I feel no better when I spot my nemesis up ahead of me. That damn wall. The ropes are covered in mud, slippery with rain from the people before me. I run up to it and instead of trying to climb up it, I just slam into the wall exhausted._   
_"If you don't climb that wall, then you will have to be punished Winchester!" Crowley yells in my ear._   
_I groan and grab the rope, my hand slips straight back off and I fall flat on my back._   
_"Compared to your fellow cadets, you're not very boisterous are you?" Crowley says. Leaning down over me, he pushes my hair back from my forehead. I blink the rain out of my eyes, as Crowley brings me back up to my feet. He allows me to lean on him as he walks me over to a barrier on the side of the course._   
_"Lean over the barrier, get your breath back," Crowley orders, so I lean over and feel thankful as the fresh air enters my lungs._   
_Just as I am starting to feel right again, I feel something fiddling with my trousers. Looking down I realise it's not something, it's someone._   
_"Sir," I squeak, the word barely audible._   
_"Sshhh, Dean, this is your punishment!" Crowley mutters into my ear as he tugs my trousers down. His hands uncurl from my waist for a few moments, then I feel him lean in against my back._   
_"Sir," I repeat, a little louder this time._   
_"It's this, or public humiliation Dean, I'm sure you've had more than enough of that!" Crowley has the same strange tone that he had back in his office._   
_I shake my head. "Not enough sir!" Crowley's grip tightens around my waist and he pushes me forward so I am leant even further over the railings._   
_"You don't have the choice Dean. Consent to this!" His tone definitely lets me know that I don't have a choice in this. I shake my head to his last statement._   
_"If you don't consent to this, then I will have you thrown out of this school, now how would daddy like that?"_   
_"Sir..." I want to come back with some witty reply, to get me out of this, but I also know how disappointed my dad would be if I got thrown out of this school. "Sir!" I reply in a smaller tone, a desperate tone._   
_"Good!" Crowley was breathless now, and he pushed me hard against the railings._   
_The pain ripped through my body as Crowley did whatever he wanted to do. Every time I screamed out loud through pain, his hand would curl around my neck and pull my head back, his hand covering my mouth. By the time he had finished, all of my breath had been knocked out of me. When he finally let go, I slumped to the floor._   
_"Get back to the building and clean up. You're excused from morning drill tomorrow!" Crowley said, whilst pulling his trousers up. He winked at me, then walked away._   
_By the time I got back to the building, and into the shower, I was more than an emotional wreck, but there was no one around to see me like this. And as I scrubbed at myself in the shower I realised that this was my fault. I had consented to this._

 

I'm sat inside Crowley's office, and for once I am not scared to be sat here in the same old chair. This time, I am not here to see Crowley, but to see the therapist that is spoken of so highly around the school. Since the first meetings that he carried out yesterday, he has acquired quite a reputation. He was supposedly good at his job, and very easy to get along with. Even the 'tougher' guys around the barracks were opening up to this man. He must have something about him.  
Through the conversation I had with Ellen earlier, he also seems to be quite the charmer. She's besotted with him already, head over heels even.  
I'm disturbed from my thoughts as I hear the door behind me close. I swivel in my seat and find myself in the company of the man who had been outside the office yesterday. He smiles at me politely, before walking forward and around the table.  
I can't help but tense up as I watch him. He doesn't sit down. Instead, he leans his arm out across the table ready for me to shake it. I don't, I slide my chair back a few inches, but I smile a little, just to show a little comfort to the man opposite me. He clicks his tongue and looks thoughtful, then he sits down.  
"Hi, Dean Winchester, isn't it?" The man is looking down at some notes in front of him, but he peers up at me while he waits for an answer.  
"Er, Yeah, that's me!" I say quietly, into my chest.  
"Great, I have the right person. Well, I'm Doctor Castiel Novak, but you can call me Cas, ok?" Cas says in a soft, calming tone.  
I nod into my chest again.  
"Rightio, before we can start anything, I need you to sign something for me, is that Ok with you?" Cas pushes a sheet of paper across the table, and puts a pen on top of it.  
"What do I have to sign it for?" I mutter, reading the paragraph of words quickly.  
"It's your consent..." Cas carries on talking, but I stop listening. I don't want to consent to anything with anyone. And Right at this moment, a sentence Ellen had said to me earlier, when she was talking about Cas runs through my mind... "Pity he's gay!" That's what she said. And now he was asking me to consent to something that I didn't want to consent too.  
"Dean? I need you to sign this before we continue," Cas urges me, pushing the paper closer to me.  
"I don't want to," I say, still keeping my voice low.  
"Why don't you want to?"  
"I don't want to consent to that!" I want to scream, but I keep to talking to my shoes instead.  
"Dean, if you don't sign that, then I can't have these meetings with you. You need to sign to say that you have agreed to have these chats with me. You're not signing your life away Dean, I assure you, you are just saying that you realise that what gets said between these four walls, stays between these four walls. You can do that for me can't you?" Cas has definitely been well trained when it comes to tone of voice. He asks in a soothing manor, he's talking to me as though I am the most important person in the universe right now.  
I drag my chair closer to the desk again, and reach out for the pen. I sign my name, and give Cas another small smile.  
"Fantastic! That wasn't so hard now was it?" Cas is smiling a warm smile at me, but all I feel is a horrible cold feeling rushing around my body. The smile drops from my face and I jump up from my chair. I shake my head and walk backwards until I reach the door. I pull the door handle down, my eyes not leaving Cas for one second, then I turn and run out of the office, out of the staff building, all the way back to my dorm room, where I slam right into Gabriel's chest.  
"Woah, slow down!" Gabriel laughs, his arms engulf me to stop me from falling backwards. I shake him off of me and jump on my bed, quick to hide the tears.  
"Dean, you alright?" Gabriel jumps onto his own bed and I can feel his eyes on me.  
"Uh huh!" I mumble into the pillow.  
"How did you get on with the therapist? He's a nice guy isn't he! Got on really well with him, don't know why they hired him though, I don't think anyone's really in need of therapy in this place, do you?" Gabriel rambles on and I can't help but let out an ironic laugh.  
Yeah, this man is great. Except he wants to hurt me, just like Crowley. How the hell do I get myself into these situations?  
"Mmmm, he's wonderful!" I say through the pillow again. And it's weird that, no matter how much I feel like I hate Cas, there's some weird feelings too. The way he spoke to me, as if I was the only person who existed in life at that one moment was a skill not many people possessed, I don't think anyone I know has that skill, and it felt so good to be spoken to like, like an equal for once. Ok, so Gabriel is my friend, possibly my best friend, but he has this way about him, I don't think he means to do it, but he talks as though he's higher than the rest of us, which, I guess in a way, he is. Nobody else has siblings at a higher rank than them. Gabriel gets it so easy in his place, all because Balthazar is there to look out for him.  
Ellen is there as well, I always enjoy talking to Ellen, I feel more comfortable around Ellen than I do anybody in this whole place, because she is one of the only females in the place. But at the end of the day, as much as we share a friendship, the teacher/pupil thing is there, and that prevents me being able to fully let myself relax around her.  
With Cas though, it felt like, well, Maybe I could relax around him, but just maybe. I need time, and I need to be sure he isn't going to do anything to upset me before I completely let myself go in front of him. At the moment, after today, I feel as though there will never be a man out there that I can trust. Maybe I deserve this, maybe I was born for this purpose, for people to abuse.


	6. Chapter 6

_*Flashback*_   
_**Two Years Ago...** _   
_"Now Dean, all I'm asking is a small favour. I've done it for you numerous times, it's only fair you return the favour!" Crowley is sat in his comfy leather chair. He has his feet up on his desk, his legs are bare, his trousers and boxers lay discarded on the floor._   
_"Sir, I... I don't kn... know how!" I stutter, I'm knelt on the floor beside him, begging to God that this man will give me some sympathy, that he will let me go this time, just this once._   
_This is the first time that Crowley has asked me to do anything to him, for the past six months I have allowed him to touch me, screw me, do anything he wanted to me. But this, this is something I really didn't want to do, as much as I hated Crowley touching me in any way, returning the favour was as if I enjoyed this, it would show him that I wanted this. If I agreed to this, there was no going back._   
_"It's easy Dean, let me help you!" Crowley takes my hand and pulls me up a little higher. He places my hand on his dick, then he wraps his own hand around mine, forcing me to stroke him up and down. Sobs wrack through my body as he takes his hand away and leaves me to do the movements on my own._   
_As much as I hate doing this, I can't help but let my eyes wander along Crowley's body. I allow them to pause at his dick, taking in the effect of what my touch is doing to him. Watching it is making me want to heave, but I can't bring myself to totally look away, so I scan my eyes along his chest to his face. He has his head bent back over the back of his seat, his eyes closed, his mouth oozing sounds of pleasure._   
_All the time, rushing through my brain are thoughts along the lines of, "Please won't somebody knock the door, PLEASE!"_   
_I feel something wet on my hand, and my eyes divert from Crowley's face. The deed is done. The deed that I have consented to do is over. I pull my hand away as though it had been in fire._   
_"See, that wasn't so hard now, was it?" Crowley asks, he's wiping his dick with a tissue, and he offers me some for my hand. "You're excused from next lesson, you can leave now!"_

 

"Dean, come on, move it!" Balthazar is sounding more than a little irritated now. He's been asking me for the past half hour to leave with him for my meeting with Cas. I've been locked in the bathroom for an hour. I refuse to go into that office. Even if it isn't Crowley on the other side of the door, I don't trust Cas enough to be left alone with him, not after last time.  
"Dean, don't make me bust the door down! I'll have to get Sergeant Crowley..." Balthazar sounds as though he's walking away from the door. I jump up from the toilet, where I had been sat with my favourite book for the past hour, and unlocked the door.  
"NO, don't get Crowley, please?" I practically fall to the floor and beg as I see Balthazar leave out of the Dorm door.  
Balthazar turns around and gives me a strange look before beckoning me out of the door. We start the three minute walk to the staff building in silence, but once we leave the Dorm building, Balthazar talks.  
"So, what's up with you and Doctor Novak anyway? He seems alright to me!"  
"I don't need counselling!" I say to the grass, and Balthazar laughs. "What?"  
"Dean, I've never seen a seventeen year old cadet like you! You need counselling more than any screw up outside of here I reckon!" Balthazar answers honestly, a sad smile on his face.  
"I don't need you worrying for me Balthazar!"  
"But that's my job!" he jibes. We've reached the building, and he sends me in, that same sad smile on his face.  
I walk up to the same old office, and tap the door.  
"Come in!" Cas’ voice calls out, as soft as ever. He looks up as I enter the room and he smiles, looking a little unsure of his actions. "Dean!" He says my name with a light-heartedness that makes me want to hug him. Everybody around here is so strict that when your name is said, it sounds like a disease.  
I return his smile, but I don't move, I stay standing at the door, ready to make a swift exit if needed.  
"Take a seat!" Cas says, it's not an order, but at the same time, it's not a question.  
"No thank you!" I say quickly, backing myself a little closer to the door.  
"Ok!" There's a jovial smile on Cas’ face, as he looks down at his notes, then he looks back up at me. "I think maybe we may have gotten off on the wrong foot yesterday, that's why I've requested your second session to be so soon after your last! If I 'm doing something wrong Dean, I want you to tell me, ok?"  
I nod.  
"Am I doing anything wrong right now, Dean?" Cas looks nervous as he asks this.  
I nod again.  
"What am I doing wrong?" Cas looks worried now.  
"You're hurting me!" I say, as once again, the tears take over and fall down my cheeks. Cas looks scared now.  
"How am I hurting you?" His voice is shaking as he asks, and he is tapping his pen against the table, something which I'm guessing is a reaction to being nervous.  
"YOU'RE HURTING ME!" I scream this time, then run from the office, I bang into Balthazar outside of the staff building. He shakes his head at me and drags me back into the building.  
"You can't keep running out of the sessions Dean, if you do, Crowley will have to hear about it!" he says quietly, he forces me back into the office and actually sits me in the chair in front of Cas before leaving.  
Cas is looking at me completely terrified. And for five minutes, the room stays silent. The atmosphere is tense, I don't like being in tense atmospheres.  
"I don't know what to say that isn't going to... hurt... you!" Cas emphasizes the word hurt, "When I don't know what I've done to hurt you!"  
"You just are!" I mutter to my feet.  
"I'm sorry?"  
"You just are! The things you say and the things you do are hurting me!" I bring my hands to my eyes and wipe away the tears. I hate crying, I never was a crier before all of this, even the bullying didn’t get to me enough to make me cry, most of the time. Cas hands me over a tissue from the desk and watches me for a few minutes.  
"Dean, is there something going on here, something that you want to talk about?"  
Yes.  
"No!" I shake my head violently, so violently that it hurts. Cas sighs in reply, and goes back to tapping his pen.  
"You make things difficult for me Dean, you aren't helping me by keeping quiet. I need you to be able to trust me, fully, before we are going to get anywhere!"  
"I don't trust you!" I mumble this so low, that I don't think Cas would hear it. But when I look up, I see a flash of emotion on his face. He's hurt by what I just said. He nods slowly, before covering up the hurt with a small smile.  
"You're quite unlike any seventeen year old boy I've ever met Dean! Most would be running around, having a good time, being, well, seventeen-year-olds are usually boisterous!" Cas keeps his eyes on my face as he talks, and I know he has spotted the change in my facial expression. Before I can even move, before I can even say anything, Cas is speaking again. "Dean, have I done something wrong, you need to tell me!"  
I repeat the same thing as before, "You're hurting me!" I slide my chair out from under me and run out into the corridor. Hoping to God that Balthazar isn't still waiting outside, I push the main door open. Seeing the coast is clear, I run back to the dorm, back into the bathroom, and I let the sobs take over, banging my head against the wall as they do.  
Wondering the same old thing over and over again. Why is this happening to me?


	7. Chapter 7

_*Flashback*_  
 ** _Eighteen Months ago..._**  
 _I've been called to Crowley's office again, this time because I got aggressive towards a cadet in the year above. He had been taunting me and Gabriel throughout a training course that he had been left in charge of. Every time he walked past, he would sneer comments along the lines of, "Poofs, you're banging ain't ya?" "I bet you love sharing a dorm room, every chance you get you're all over each other!"_  
 _The funny thing was, I managed to stop Gabriel, I stopped him from doing anything, but I couldn't contain my own anger, Crowley had called me into the office a grand total of eight times in just four days so I was pissed off, emotional and ready to pounce at anyone, it just happened to be this douchebag. I managed to break his nose before I got dragged away, and this is where I got dragged to. Sitting in front of Crowley, his smile is petrifying. It's more of a smirk than anything._  
 _"Is this a more boisterous side to you coming out, Dean?" Crowley says, as soon as the door closes behind Balthazar, who had brought me here._  
 _I don't say anything, I keep my eyes on my boots. I don't know what Crowley has in store for me this time, he was sat down when we entered, so there was no clue as to whether this would be a normal ticking off with some normal punishment, or my own personal form of torture._  
 _"Follow me!" Crowley drags his chair out from under him and stands up. He walks over to the door behind his desk. My question is answered. This is the door that leads to his personal quarters, his bedroom._  
 _This isn't the first time that he has taken me to his bedroom, in fact, I've lost count of how many times I have been in here._  
 _I step into the room, and without even being told, I walk over to his bed and I pull down my trousers. I turn to face Crowley, and notice that he has already done the same thing. He shuts the door and locks it behind him._  
 _"I want to try something new today, Dean! Is that ok with you?" The old consent number, what am I supposed to do, say no and have him do stuff to me anyway? When I have said no, he only makes it worse, the answer yes, is always the safe bet. I nod slowly and watch as he walks over to me._  
 _"I want you to do it to me, Dean!" He climbs on to his bed and he beckons me forward. I try to step forward, but I can't manage it. My whole body has frozen to the spot. If I do this to him, then it really will look like I have wanted to do this the whole time, which couldn't be further from the truth. Oh God_.  
 _"Do what, sir?" I ask, staying where I am._  
 _"I want you, to do what I do to you! Come over here, Dean!" Before we have even started, I noticed that Crowley has an erection already. I divert my eyes to the clock behind his head and step forward, lowering myself onto the bed. Crowley says nothing, but nods down at his Dick. Now this I have done before, it's a recent development in what Crowley has 'taught' me. I lean my head down and I take the stiff member into my mouth, putting no effort into the job, I bring him to climax. I pull away, hoping to God that he will allow me to spit out the white substance that resides in my mouth. He doesn't let me. He doesn't offer me a cup or the chance to rush to the toilet, he just waits until I have to swallow it. I shudder and I hope that that is it. I was dreaming._  
 _"You know what I want you to do now Dean!" Crowley goes onto all fours and he looks at me. He's not going to tell me to do this, he's leaving it up to me, but I don't have a choice. The door is locked, and I don't know where he has put the key._  
 _Crowley has leant forward a bit more and has his hand in the bedside cabinet, where he produces the tube of KY Gel that he uses on me. Shit, shit, shit. I can't do this._  
 _"I don't want too!" I've said it and it's out there. I wish I had just kept quiet and did what he wanted._  
 _Crowley twists over and he pushes me hard against the headboard. "Lay. Down!" He says it with a voice full of venom. I slide down the bed and turn my face to the side. Crowley brings his hand out and drags my face back around and he places his mouth on mine. His other hand is playing with my dick. I try to protest again, but he won't listen, he doesn't understand how little I want to be here. I try to nudge my knee up to catch him in the groin but he has anticipated my movement._  
 _"Feisty today, aren't we Winchester?" He scowls and he drags his lips along my body, biting at the skin, pulling the flesh up, leaving small bruises all over my body. He reaches my dick, he pulls at the tight skin with his teeth making me yell out in pain. He doesn't stop. He keeps doing it, but at the same time, he is stroking the skin with his hand. The pain is by far outweighing the tiny bit of pleasure he is throwing into this act, making the whole thing last well over ten minutes. Tears are pouring down my cheeks as he finishes. He gets up from the bed, and without a word, he throws my trousers at me. He unlocks the door and holds it open._

 

"What did you do this time?" Gabriel asks, he is laid on his bed reading the latest issue of Rock Revolt that his mother brought in for him.  
"Uh?" I'm not really paying attention, I am just looking at the piece of paper in my hand that is requesting me to go to Crowley's office in one hour.  
"What. Did. You. Do?" Gabriel asks more slowly.  
"I don't know, I... just being me seems to be enough these days!" I sigh and throw the paper to the floor. I climb over Gabriel's body and lay on the bed next to him, reading the article on Brigade that Gabriel has the page on.  
"That's my brother!" Gabriel smiles and points down at one of the men.  
"Get out!" I laugh, until I get nearer the end of the article and it says, "Lucifer Michaels!" I blink. "Is that really your brother? Your parents liked the er, weirder names didn’t they!"  
"Yup! That’s Luci, following my dream," Gabriel looks sad. "He's the only one my parents didn't send away to this place, he got away with it!" He ignores the comment about his and his brothers names.  
I take a closer look at the magazine, picking it up from the bed and bringing it an inch away from my face. "He kind of looks like you!"  
Gabriel smiles again, and rips the magazine away from me. "That'll be me one day!"  
I nod at him. "Sure it will!" Gabriel goes to reply but he is distracted by something. I follow his gaze and I find myself looking at Cas standing at the doorway. Immediately I feel my whole body tense up, ready to protect myself from anything that may happen.  
"Can we help you?" Gabriel raises his eyebrow at Cas, but he has a smile playing across his mouth.  
"Er... um, no, not really. Just doing my job!" Cas looks a little put out, like he's just been caught doing something he shouldn't.  
"What part of the job does snooping come under?" Gabriel smirks.  
"Not snooping. It's sort of, I don't know, research? To see how people act in the sessions to how they act outside, that's all!" Cas shrugs. "I better move on..."  
"Go spy on Ba... Cadet Michaels! He's always interesting to watch!" Gabriel winked, and looked back down at his magazine. Cas nodded, but his eyes were on me.  
"You alright, Winchester?" Cas walks a little further into the room, and sits at the end of my bed, I thank God I jumped on to Gabriel's just minutes earlier. I nod my answer and he sighs. "I was wondering if I could see you for another meeting later today, seeing as our last one didn't go so well?" Cas actually looks hopeful.  
I want to say no, but I realise, even if I didn't see Cas later today, I would only have to see him tomorrow anyway. "Sure!"  
"Great!" Cas looks genuinely pleased. "I'll come and get you when I have a free moment, until then, I do believe your lesson started five minutes ago!"  
Gabriel checks his watch. "Shit!"  
Cas smiles slightly. "Tell them you were with me! Go!" His eyes shine as me and Gabriel run past, racing across to the main building.  



	8. Chapter 8

_*Flashback*_   
**_Seventeen months ago..._ **   
_Well, he didn't rape me today, always a bonus._   
_He called me to his office today for being ten seconds late to a lesson. Seriously, ten seconds, and that's only because Balthazar stopped me on the way to tell me to tuck my shirt in and make myself a little more presentable._   
_Crowley took me into the back of his bedroom again, he likes it here a lot lately. He laid me on the bed and undid my shirt. The whole time I kept my mind on music, running through Metallica songs, I realised this helped me ignore what was going on in the physical world. I close my eyes, and I hum to myself, and I don't realise that Crowley isn't actually touching me at that moment. I just keep on humming._   
_I am brought back from my thoughts when I feel something cold running across my chest. I open my eyes and Crowley is holding a knife to my chest, he is sliding it across my skin, leaving a thin dash across my pecs. The pain starts to appear, not major pain, but the stinging is unbearable._   
_"Sir..." I go sit forward and the blade digs in deeper._   
_"Stay still Winchester!" Crowley gets off of the bed, and he disappears. He comes back two minutes later with a towel and a few bandages. He rubs an antiseptic wipe across my chest, before holding the towel over the wound. "Sit up!" I obey, to shocked for words. Crowley starts to apply dressing to the cut, then wraps several layers of bandages around my chest._   
_The weirdest thing is that he is using the gentlest touch, he's being so careful as he covers up the marks that he created._   
_"Do not show anybody these, You hear me?" Crowley glares at me, and he stands me up slowly. "You can miss two days of assault course training, off you go!"_

 

It appears that Crowley must have anticipated me being late to Science today, as he has not mentioned anything else that could be reason for me being here. Off course, he doesn't need a reason for me being here, but that's beside the point.  
"Tardiness must be punished, you know that Dean!" Crowley nods at me, and he turns and unlocks his bedroom door. "Go into the bathroom, remove your shirt. Lay in the bath tub!" I blink confused but I follow his orders.  
I have been led in the bath for five minutes before Crowley comes into the room. I can only hear him as I have my eyes closed. Ready to go off into my own fantasy world as soon as Crowley starts anything. I can feel his hot breath on my skin now, as he must be leaning over the bath. I tune back into Wembley Arena, where a full house screams back at me. I don’t just hum Metallica now, I’ve upgraded my fantasy, I am Metallica! Girls hold up banners, rude ones, silly ones, cute ones. I play the first note on my guitar, and the crowd goes wilder.  
I feel something ice cold on my chest, and amid my fantasy, I realise that Crowley is pouring iced water over me, I can feel the little blocks around me in the bath tub, making my skin shrivel up, my body shakes. I keep my eyes closed and I imagine meeting fans after the show. They are so happy to see me that all they want to do is hug me and never let go.  
Crowley's tongue is twisting around my left nipple, but all I can feel is the warmth of a sexy teenage girls grasp as she drags me into a hug, her hair smells fruity, her perfume is sweet.  
Suddenly, I can't help but be dragged back into reality as I feel a rapid temperature change. I open my eyes and I scream in horror as I watch Crowley pour a kettle load of boiling water all over my chest. I go to lean up to turn the cold tap of the bath on, but Crowley holds me back down. I look down and watch as my skin starts to blister from the heat. A red scorn mark covers my chest and along my sides, and I fear it may be on my back also.  
The door to Crowley's bedroom knocks, and I've never seen him jump so much before.  
"Get dressed and act normal, get out there straight away!" Crowley orders and he disappears from the bathroom. I slide myself up in the bath, and the burning really kicks in now. I can barely move it hurts too much. I manage to lean forward enough to flick the shower switch on, and twist the cold tap onto the on position. The water hits my body and cascades down my skin and I've never felt grateful for anything more. I slump back down and I just lay in the cold water that surrounds me. Too soon though, Crowley has his head around the door. He is telling me to get a move on, because 'they' at the door are getting suspicious as to why a student should be in bedroom quarters.  
"So they God damn should be!" I mutter back, but I slide back up, a grimace taking over the relief that showed on my face.  
Crowley steps forward and he yanks me up under the armpits, brushing the burnt skin. I yelp slightly as he stands me up on the bathroom tiles.  
"Tell them you needed to have a quick clean up as I had just had you out on the assault course! Put your shirt on quickly!" Crowley glares at me for a second them disappears again.  
I struggle to put my shirt on, and do a weird little waddle back out into the bedroom, and further on into Crowley's office.  
"De... Winchester!" Cas nods at me, concern shows on his face. "You alright?"  
I nod slowly.  
"I'm ready for our session now, if you are?" Cas asks. I nod again and he smiles. He throws what I swear is a glare at Crowley before starting to walk out of the office. He turns at the door. "Sergeant Crowley is occupying his office right now, so we'll have to do this in my room, which is also my office, if that's ok with you Dean? If not, maybe you could suggest somewhere else," Cas just watches me, waiting for an answer.  
"Your office is cool!" I sigh, and I try to disguise the dodgy walk as I leave the office, I follow Cas until we are at the main building.  
"My office is not really an office, but more of a classroom converted into a sort of makeshift bedroom. So there are plenty of desks and there's plenty of room, I wasn't supposed to be here for this long, so they didn't have a proper room made up for me!" Cas explains as he takes me through a load of winding corridors.  
Ten minutes later we are outside a room that has a temporary plaque stuck to the window. "Doctor C. Novak."  
"Welcome to my humble abode!" Cas laughs, and he holds his door open to me. I smile slightly, and step in.  



	9. Chapter 9

_*Flashback*_   
_**Eleven Months Ago...** _   
_Tonight is the annual Military School dance. It's for us and our sister school that is about two miles up the road, it's an all girls school. They look on it as a chance for us to socialise with the opposite sex, this one time a year. I have never enjoyed the dance, probably because my only real friend here is Gabriel, and he always pulls and disappears to our dorm room for some' fun.' That also means I can't hide out in the dorm as, well, I don't really want to be there whilst Gabriel's getting laid._   
_Sitting at one of the tables, knocking back my pepsi, I have a feeling that this year is going to be no different. Almost every girl that walks by our table is looking Gabriel over, and although Gabriel is still sat next to me, I know that he is merely being choosey. He will leave when he has found the 'perfect' girl for him, have a couple of dances with her, make her feel special, then he will leave. I will be sat at this table on my own for the next three hours, knocking back pepsi after pepsi, waiting for midnight to come around so that I can disappear under my duvet and enjoy a semi lay-in the next morning. And then I get to be informed about what new tricks Gabriel had learnt the night before, and if I was real lucky, Balthazar could enlighten me on his new tricks also, depending on whether he had time to disappear of course. If there was trouble, Balthazar was one of the ones who had to be there to sort it out, hopefully not having to bring the Sergeants around to sort it._   
_"Hey!" A pretty, petite, brunette girl has sat next to me. I nod politely and shift over, ready to leave the table so she and Gabriel and get acquainted. Just as I've stood up, a hand curls around my wrist and gently tugs me back down. "Where are you going?" The girl looks back at me with bright innocent eyes._   
_"I... um, was just going to leave you two to Er..." I stumble but I get cut off._   
_"I wanted to talk to you, not Casanova over there!" The girl says, and Gabriel grins broadly. "It wasn't a compliment; I've heard about you, I've seen the trouble you cause!" The girls pretty face has turned into an angry glare towards Gabriel who leans back slightly._   
_"Trouble?"_   
_"Yeah, Sophie got booted out of the school after getting with you last year!"_   
_"She did? Why?" Gabriel looks nervous._   
_"Because she was pregnant! She had a little boy three months ago!" The girl replied. Gabriel went paler than I've ever seen anybody go before, he shuffled himself around the table._   
_"I've a... I've gotta go!" Gabriel walked away quickly, grabbing a girl who had been eyeing him up for the past half hour, he disappeared out of the hall._   
_"He doesn't learn much does he?" The girl's features had softened again, a shy but beautiful smile across her face. "My names Lisa by the way!" She held her hand out to me._   
_"I'm Erm, I'm Dean! Dean Winchester!" I take her small hand in mine and squeeze it slightly._   
_"Well, hi there Dean Winchester!"_   
_"Woah, would you look at that boys! Deano has pulled a chick, wonders never cease!" A group of trainee sergeants walk past, jeering at me as they go, Balthazar is among them. He throws me a sympathetic look then does a thumbs up signal and follows his friends._   
_I don't get why people think I'm gay. I know I'm not the most manly of people, but I didn't think I gave of gay vibes. Well, I'll show them. I turned my attention back to Lisa who was looking at me intently._   
_"Do you want a drink?" I nod at her empty glass._   
_"Nope, I'm all drank out, but I wouldn't mind a dance?!" She looked over at the dance floor and then back at me._   
_"Erm, yeah, sure!" I stood up and held my hand out, she took it and I led her over to the floor. Just as we got there, an old, slow song came on, way before my years. Lisa smiled at me and stepped right up close, snuggling her head between my chin and shoulder. I put my arms around her waist and started to move along with the music. Not long into the dance, Lisa tilted her head, she still had the innocence in her eyes, but there was a mischievous glint in them now as well. I leant my head down and allowed our lips to meet. It felt weird, to kiss a girl I mean. Crowley sometimes made me kiss him, but it was always rough and he controlled everything, but now the ball was in my court. If I had this under control, I wondered how far Lisa would let this go. I broke the kiss and whispered in her ear._   
_"Do you want to go somewhere quieter?"_   
_She blinked at me for a couple of seconds, before nodding slowly. I smiled at her and led her out of the hall and outside. It was a warm night, only a slight breeze. We stood by the hall door, trying to work out where to go, when Lisa walked me over to one of the out fields, one that never got used for training. It was where the cadets spent their lunchtimes during the summer. We disappeared into the forestry that surrounded the school and sat down._   
_Neither of us spoke for about five minutes, we just sat staring at the grass._   
_"So..." Lisa sighed, she pulled a few blades of grass up and threw them down beside her. This was all I needed, a break of the silence. I turned towards her and reunited our mouths again, this time I forced my tongue into her mouth. As we kissed I gently pushed her back so that she lay down, and I climbed on top of her. I ran my hand along her shoulder and over the bump of her breasts. She let out a moan of protest into my mouth, but I let my hand carry on along her body, I was at her waist now. I lowered my hand down and lifted the hem of her dress up, stroking my hand along her thigh._   
_"Dean I don't think I want too..." Lisa broke the kiss. I directed my kisses along her neck, and she tilted her head back as I kissed further down. I tugged at her knickers and pulled them down to her knees._   
_"It'll be alright, it's ok!" I sighed into her neck as I unzipped my trousers. I wriggled slightly to lower my trousers and boxers, just enough to release my dick. I ran my hand along Lisa's inner thigh as I pulled the hem of her skirt up even higher, then I nudged her legs open wider, lowering myself down I allowed myself to slide deep into her. She let out a moan and grasped at my shirt tightly. This felt so weird, the sensation was unlike anything I'd ever felt before, don't get me wrong, I liked it but it didn't feel... right. Ignoring my feelings I carried on, enjoying it as much as I could._   
_When we had finished, I rolled off of Lisa and pulled up my trousers. Lisa pulled up her knickers and looked at me with tears in her eyes. Looking back at her, I realised that I had taken it too fast. Watching Lisa wipe a tear from her cheek, I felt like an asshole._   
_I put my hand out and gently stroked Lisa's cheek, then leant in and kissed her gently, just wanting to reassure her that I hadn't planned for this, I hadn't meant to hurt her. I pull away and look her in the eye._   
_"I didn't want to be one of those girls!" Lisa sobbed, lowering her eyes to the ground._   
_"You're not one of those girls," I sigh, "If you were one of those guys, you would have gone off with Gabriel, because you would have been guaranteed a fuck if you went off with him!" I try to lighten the mood. It works slightly, Lisa lets out a little giggle between sobs._   
_"Here, look! Do you have a phone?" I pull my mobile out of my trouser pocket and look up at Lisa expectantly._   
_"Y... yes!" She gulped and pulled a phone out from her bag._   
_"Great! Then let’s swap numbers! Those girls don't do that, they forget the guys name by midnight, and move on to the next!" I smile at her, and she grins back. She nods and recites her number to me. I tap the number into the keypad of my phone and dial her. "There, that's my number!" I nod at her phone, and she sets her mind on saving it._   
_"Got it!" Lisa nods. She's stopped crying now, and she wipes at the few tears that remain._   
_"Fantastic! I'll text you as soon as I can tomorrow, I promise ok? But right now, we have two minutes to get back to the hall for the end of the ball! Lets go!" I jump up from the ground and pull Lisa up behind me. She leans towards me and kisses me one last time, before she heads back to the hall. I smile to myself and walk behind her._

 

I look around Cas' 'office' and smile. It really is makeshift. There's an army bed placed at one end of the classroom, which looks really uncomfortable, it's like a hammock attached between two metal bars, and it's so low down that when he lays in it, I guarantee he must touch the floor. He has an open suitcase at the end of the bed, clothes falling out.   
Cas nods at the main desk at the front of the classroom, and he sits in the huge leather seat. I drag one of the plastic chairs that us lowly cadets have the pleasure of using.  
"So, Dean, how are you today?" Cas asks as he pulls out a file and a note pad from one of the draws in front of him.  
"Ok!" I say quietly, I swing my legs backwards and forwards, letting them tap the edge of the desk every other swing.  
Cas clucks his tongue and looks up at me. He nods slowly and then looks down at his paper quickly. He goes to say something, but he can't seem to get it out of his mouth. He keeps trying to say it, then shuts his mouth at the last moment. He finally blurts something out.  
"So, Dean, Can you tell me why you were in Crowley's personal quarters today?" Cas tries to make the question sound normal, but he doesn't succeed.  
"No!" I shake my head.  
"Why not?" Cas looks at me with interest in his eyes.  
"Because it's private!" I sigh and kick the desk harder than anticipated.  
"I have a feeling that this might be a touchy subject with you, am I right?" he looks right into my eyes. I just nod in reply. He nods back, before starting again.  
"You do know, that it's against school policy for any cadet to be in a sergeants, lieutenant’s, colonel's, you get the point, well you know it's against the policy to be in their personal quarters!" Cas sighs, writing something on the file in front of him.  
"Yeah I know, but I've been in there loads!" I say, without thinking.  
"You've been in Crowley's personal quarters more than once?" Cas looks abashed.  
"Yeah, all the time!" I nod.  
Cas creases his forehead and writes notes rapidly on a piece of paper.  
"And um, what reasons have you been in the room before hand?" he asks, his attention is back on me.  
Shit, I've just realised that telling Cas this is dropping me more and more into trouble. How to retract those words is proving to be impossible in my head.  
"I um, well, it's nothing really! It's just, he and my father are good friends, so well... yeah!" I say quickly, hoping that Cas will drop it. He doesn't.  
"But still, you shouldn't be going in there! I'm going to have to talk to Sergeant Crowley about that!" Cas says, he looks down at his notes and adds a reminder for him to talk to Crowley.  
"NO! No, it's fine, really it is!" I say, a little too loudly. Cas looks at me for a few seconds before nodding. "You're dismissed Dean, you can go!" Cas smiles, almost sadly at me. I get out of my chair without a word and go to pull the door open.  
"You might want to do them laces up, Dean, don't want you hurting yourself!" Cas calls behind me. I look down and notice that my boots have unlaced. I bend down. I grimace as I do, the burning across my torso has just pulled and it hurts like hell. Cas has stepped up to me, he is inspecting my back. Shit, I put my hand to my back to pull my shirt back down, I hadn't realised it had ridden up from where I had been sat down. Before I can get it down over what I'm guessing is a severe looking scorn mark, Cas has put his hand out and touched the skin there. I tense up under his touch and he has realised this.  
"Dean, I'm not going to hurt you, but I just need to look at this!" Cas says, before asking me to stand up straight. I do reluctantly, holding my body tense. Cas lifts up the back of my shirt and I hear him gasp.  
"What happened?" He asks, he gently runs his hand across the burn, making me flinch.  
"I had an accident when I was a toddler, been scarred ever since!" I say hurriedly.  
"But it looks fresh," Cas sighs, I can tell he has bent down behind me now, inspecting the burns closer.  
"Well it isn't!" I snap, dragging my shirt back down.  
"Alright, fine! I'll see you tomorrow at eleven, you're excused from Maths!" Cas says, walking back to his desk.  
"My next appointment isn't supposed to be until Monday!" I scowl and carry on tying up my laces.  
"Well, I've just brought it forward, see you tomorrow, we'll do it here!" Cas is behind his desk now, rapidly writing notes in his pad.  
I walk out, slamming the door behind me.


	10. Chapter 10

_*Flashback*_   
_**Six Months Ago...** _   
_I've just come back from Crowley’s office after one of his more brutal attacks. He added a new twist to the mix today though. He finally succeeded in getting me to screw him. He had a kitchen knife that he held to my throat. He said if I didn't agree to do it this time, that he would kill me. I almost called his bluff, I told him that I didn't believe him and he dragged the knife down along my stomach. The cut wasn't deep but watching the glint in Crowley's eyes was enough to make me see that he was more than capable of killing me if I didn't do as he asked._   
_Like the last time, when he had cut me before, he bandaged me up carefully, making sure the entire wound had been cleaned and covered. He had me lay on the bed as he did this, and he sat on my thighs so I couldn't move. When he had finished dressing the wound, he ran his fingers gently over the scar he had created before, running across my chest horizontally. One end was just a fine raised red line, but towards the end of the scar, the raised lump got wider, where the wound had been deeper._   
_Looking up at Crowley, I thought I saw regret in his eyes, as though he was sorry. As he shifted his weight off of me, I thought he was going to let me go. I was mistaken. All he did instead was climb onto his hands and knees. The knife that he had balanced on the bedside table was back in his hand._   
_"You know what I want you to do, Winchester, so do it!" Was all he said._   
_I grimaced as I sat up, my new wound burning and seeping with blood. I was about to refuse again until my eyes fell onto the sharp blade of the knife. Ok, so, being raped was one thing, but I didn't want to die, I hadn't lost the will to live just yet._   
_Actually figuring out HOW to perform the act was difficult and time consuming, as Crowley talked me through the notions. Unfortunately, it wasn't enough time for any one to interrupt and half hour later the deed was done._   
_For the first time ever, I dismissed myself from the room. Pulling on my trousers, forgetting my boxers, I ran from the room, out of the office and into the first block of toilets that I could find._   
_Throughout the twisted relationship I had with Crowley, things he had done to me, and made me do to him had confused me, but nothing had confused me more than what I had to do today. As much as I hated having to touch him in this way, as much as I hated him touching me, today had really made me think. Instead of fantasy thoughts of music running through my mind, all I got was confused thoughts about the act I was performing._   
_Although I hated it, I felt that, If it had been somebody else in front of me, another man, one that I wanted to be with, one that I wanted to touch, I think I might have enjoyed it. Never before have I felt that I might enjoy sex with a man, but now sitting here, thinking about it. Things started to make sense._   
_Cadets always seemed to find porn magazines from somewhere, and they used to share the load with everyone, and whenever I got shown pictures, I didn't feel anything, not a stir of excitement. The other cadets would unashamedly get hard on's in front of each other, some even went as far as to see to themselves in front of everyone. And I never looked away. Whilst the rest of the guys were looking at these girls, I was watching these boys jack off. Before now, I just thought it was the twisted result of being abused by Crowley for one, two, three years._   
_But then there was that night with Lisa. Although I enjoyed it, I didn't enjoy it enough. All the other guys that pulled at the annual dance ranted and raved about how fantastic sex was, and I never felt that._   
_The taunts of cadets and trainee sergeants run through my mind as I let the tears fall down my cheeks. The realisation hits me hard as all these thoughts and memories run through my head. I'm gay._   
_Perhaps I've always been gay, maybe that's why Crowley picked on me, because he could sense it. It's my fault that all of this has happened to me, it's my fault that he rapes me. It's my fault because I'm gay. Maybe this is my punishment. The army don't take on gay men do they? They don't take on sissy's. This is my punishment for being gay, I deserve everything I get._

 

"Winchester," Cas greets me as I walk into his 'office.' I throw an icy glare his way and flop down into the same chair that I sat in yesterday. I wince as the scratchy plastic rubs against the scolding on my back.  
Cas offers me a wary look before nodding behind me. I turn around and Ellen is stood there with a small smile on her lips.  
"What's going on?" I look between Cas and Ellen, confusion on my face.  
"Well, Winchester, as you know, Ellen here, is also the school's nurse, and I'd like her to give you a check-up today!" Cas sighs, walking over towards the desk, he sits in the leather chair opposite me.  
"No, I don't want to, I don't want a check-up, I'm fine!" I whine.  
"That might be so, but, after what I saw yesterday, I feel that it will be in your best interest to have a physical examination. I'm going to leave you and Ellen alone for however long it takes, I'll just be outside if you need me. Do you understand, Dean?" Cas is talking to me in, I don't quite know how to explain it. It's as if he's distancing himself away from me, his body language, his tone of voice, his facial expression, all of them are showing that he's not really wanting to be around me.  
I shake my head, but Cas ignores me. He stands up, nods at Ellen and leaves the room. I don't move, I stay sitting, staring ahead at the blackboard behind the desk. A few minutes later, and Ellen is kneeling next to me.  
"Dean, please don't make this difficult for me. All I want to do is take a look at the burn mark on your back, ok?" Ellen has a pleading tone in her voice, which I don't like. It's ruining the relaxed environment that we usually reside in. I shake my head.  
"Please, Dean. It will only take five minutes, all you have to do, is remove your shirt for five minutes, you can time me if you like," The pleading tone is still there, but now there's a hint of worry present as well. I sigh and nod my head slowly, as I start to unbutton my shirt.  
Ellen gives me a reassuring smile, then beckons me to stand up. She takes my shirt from me and folds it neatly over the chair, and then she turns to look at me, and gasps. Her eyes wander over the knife scars, the bruises, scratch marks, and finally, the newest injury, the burn mark that covers my stomach, my sides, and most of my back.  
"Oh, Dean!" Ellen is shocked to say the least. She gently runs her hand over the burns on my stomach. "This is at most, a couple of days old, what happened?"  
"Nothing, it was an accident!" I say a little too quickly. "I dropped a boiled kettle over myself!"  
Ellen clucks her tongue and pulls a small camera out of her pocket. "What are you doing with that?" I wonder out loud, bringing my arms up to cover my chest.  
"I'm just going to take some pictures of the marks, just so I can study them and work some stuff out, is that ok?"  
No.  
"I... um, guess so!" I sigh and lower my arms. Ellen takes photos of my back, sides, stomach and chest. As she puts the camera away, I pick up my shirt.  
"I'll go and get Cas so you two can have your talk," Ellen nods and leaves the room.  
Ten minutes later, and Cas is back, he seats himself back in the leather seat, and his eyes rest on mine.  
"We haven't had the best track record of meetings, Dean, so I'm going to leave this in your hands. I'm going to sit here and say nothing. I'm going to let you choose what we are going to talk about, and you will be in this office for one hour starting from now. If it remains in silence then so be it!" Cas nods, and sets the timer on his watch. He was using a slightly less formal tone of voice, but I still got the feeling that he was giving up on me, that these meetings now were just a formality for him.  
Five minutes have past, and true to his word, Cas has sat in silence, just watching me. There is something I desperately want to ask him, but the way he is being is making me think twice. Ever since Cas has been here, I have been thinking more and more about my sexuality, trying to work everything out in my head. I've tried so desperately to shake the feelings that come over me away, To make myself believe that I am straight, but so far it hasn't worked. And knowing what Ellen told me, about Cas being gay, has made me realise that he is the only person here to talk to about everything.  
Ten minutes have past, and Cas is still just watching me. The way he is looking into my eyes, it's like he can read my thoughts. If he can, he doesn't say anything.  
Fifteen minutes have past, and I couldn't help it. I just blurted it out.  
"You're gay aren't you?"  
Cas actually choked at hearing that question, and he needed a few seconds to settle himself, after that, he spoke.  
"I, um, well... yes, yes I am," Cas smiled slightly, his blue eyes shining with amusement.  
"What's it like?" I look around the room, finding it impossible to look at him.  
"What's, what like?" There is definitely a hint of amusement in his voice now.  
"Being gay," I say simply.  
"It's, well, it's, I guess it's just like being straight, but you fancy men," Cas’ lips twitched and formed a lopsided smile that made my stomach flip.  
"So you don't get treated any different, get told you can't do things?" I look back up into Cas’ eyes.  
"Why would I? I'm just like anyone else, sexual preference is no longer a big deal anymore. People don't frown on Gay relationships as much as they used to, you just get the odd idiot who thinks it inappropriate, but they need stringing up by the balls and shooting!" Cas sighed, and even looked a bit angry by the end of the sentence.  
I hesitate in saying the next sentence, my mouth twitches, itching to say the words, to confide in someone after so long, after so much confusion.  
"I think, Erm, that, well, I think I'm gay!" I say finally, I lower my head again.  
"Don't lower your head, it's nothing to be ashamed off," Cas orders me. I pull my head up quickly, used to commands. Cas pulls his chair closer to the table, his eyes showing sympathy, he smiles. "I've been where you are now, Dean. Confused doesn't even start to describe what goes through your mind. It took me three years to come to terms with my sexuality. I was younger than you when I started believing that something was wrong with me, that I was different to everyone else. At fifteen, I did some appalling things to prove to myself and others that I wasn't gay!"  
"Like what? What did you do?" I sit up straight in my chair, waiting for Cas to continue.  
"Well, I practically slept around the whole school," a small smile plays on his lips as he looks back at his memories. "Of course, it started off as fun and games, me acting the hero to all of the boys in the school, who were amazed that I could have any girl I wanted. The thing is, I never enjoyed a second of it. With every passing girl I knew I wasn't meant to be enjoying it either, that this life wasn't for me, but I ended up getting a girl into trouble before I learnt my lesson and stopped!"  
"Trouble?" I blink at Cas, he smirks at me and carries on.  
"I got a fifteen-year-old girl pregnant when I was seventeen, her parents went psycho. Understandable really. They never have forgiven me for that, but, at the end of the day, I wouldn't change a thing of what happened!" Cas smiled as he put his hand in his pocket. He pulled out his wallet and flipped it open. He handed it over to me and I looked inside. Behind the plastic there was a picture of a baby boy. He had the same bright blue eyes as Cas, and he had the same mouth and a cute little button nose.  
"He's lovely," I hand Cas his wallet back and I catch the proud smile on his face.  
"His names Robert, he's going to be five in a couple of months and he'll be off to school," A sad smile takes over Cas’ face. "I don't see him much anymore, just once or twice a year, April doesn't like me seeing him, says I'm a screw up as a dad. She only says that now because of... yeah. She's one of those that needs stringing up and shooting!" Cas sighs sadly, and I watch him as he stares at the photo in his wallet. Thinking about it, that photo must be at least three years old, as the child in it, is barely a toddler.  
I reach my hand out and pat Cas’ hand comfortingly he. He jumps and looks up at me, he is fighting to keep the tears back.  
"Listen to me, here's me rabbiting on and this is your session. SO, less about me and more about you! Was there anything else you wanted to ask about, you know, the whole look at us we're so different we're gay thing?" Cas smiles at me, but the sadness is still in his eyes.  
"How did you just, come to terms with it? Did you find it easy or hard?" I ask and Cas laughs.  
"I said no more about me, Dean!" He mocks being annoyed but then smiles at me. "I found it difficult at first, but the more I thought about it, the more I decided that it’s my life, I can't go by what everyone else wants!" Cas nodded at the end of this, but then his face went serious, his eyes darted to my stomach. "Dean, you aren't, well, you aren't hurting yourself are you?"  
It's my turn to laugh. "I wish it was me doing it!" I have to stop laughing because it's pulling on the scolding, making it hurt again.  
"Dean, I know I was supposed to leave the discussion up to you, but, I feel like I'm getting you to open up to me at last, for the first time, and well, I'm hoping you can open up to me about what's going on with you!" Cas has gone completely serious now, a strange transition from the smiley Cas I had a few seconds ago.  
I lower my head again, not knowing what to say in reply. I hear Cas stand up and walk around to me. A chair scrapes across the floor. I look up and he has pulled one of the plastic chairs over and he is now sitting next to me.  
"Dean, who's doing this to you?" Matt asks gently, nodding at my chest. I shake my head, refusing to say anything. "Do you think that if you say something to me, that things will get worse?" Cas brings his hand out and lifts my head up so he is able to look into my eyes. I nod in reply and he sighs loudly.  
"You realise, that whatever you say to me in this room, goes no further if you don't want it too, that's what we agreed at our first meeting, and I promise you on Robert's life that I won't go against my words," Cas looks right down into my eyes, and perhaps foolishly, I don't know, I can see sincerity there. His eyes tell me that he won't tell anybody anything. Even still, I don't feel I can say too much to him.  
"Is it a teacher that does this to you?" Cas tries a new tactic, I feel a bit more comfortable doing it this way, than me saying anything. I shake my head.  
"A cadet? Or more than one?" I shake my head again.  
"One of the officers, what are they called... Sergeant? Is it a Sergeant?" Cas’ eyes brighten as he finally remembers the simple word. I nod my head violently, making Cas let go of my chin.  
"Who is it?" he asks, he looks sickened. I shake my head again. I won't say. "Dean, please, tell me who it is!" Cas begs.  
"What does it matter? Even if I told you, you couldn't do anything about it, because you promised me," I say quietly.  
"But I could help you, we could stop them doing it. Ellen showed me those pictures Dean, those marks are, well, I can't believe that anyone could do that to someone, to you!" Cas puts his hand on my shoulder.  
"You couldn't stop it, he wouldn't let you, he enjoys it too much!" I say, looking at where Cas’ hand is.  
"Dean, do you not realise why I have been spending so much of my time here with you? Why I have extended my stay?" Cas asks me, he ignores the look I'm giving his arm. I just shake my head to his question.  
"Your teachers, the lieutenants, the sergeants, Ellen, they are all worried about you. They know why you were moved from an ordinary school to this one, they think you're being bullied again. And just because it isn't the cadets, doesn't mean it isn't bullying, in fact, these scars and burns would show that it's abuse, not bullying. Dean this is serious!" Cas lectured.  
"Don't you think I know that?" I yell. "Don't you think that every time he touches me I don't realise how serious this is? Do you think I enjoy him touching me, do you? For three years I've kept this to myself, another year won't hurt me!" I breathe heavily and let out a scream before letting the tears fall down my face. Without even meaning too I find myself burying my face into Cas’ shirt, letting his arms keep me safe, even if it is just for a few minutes. Cas brushes my hair with his fingers and watches me for a few seconds before he carries on.  
"Dean, I know this is difficult for you, but I need you to tell me exactly what you mean by 'touching,' you don't have to go into detail, but I just need to know how far this goes," he says all this quietly, it's almost a whisper.  
"I can't," I sniff, and pull away from Cas. He takes his arms from around me.  
"It's the same theory as before, you tell me and it goes no further than here, I promise you, Dean, just please, let me know what happens when you're left alone with this person," Cas is back to the pleading tactics.  
"Of course you'd want to know, it would turn you on wouldn't it, you gay bastard!" I scream, sliding the chair from under me, I run from the room, the sobs taking over my body. I don't get half way across the field before I slump to the ground. I slam the floor with my fists angrily, kneeling down, I crouch my head down and just let the tears fall.  
It's about half hour later when I feel a pair of hands lift me up delicately and carry me somewhere. I don't know where as my eyes are too sore and puffy to open. Before I reach the destination I fall into an uneasy sleep.


	11. Chapter 11

_*Flashback*_  
 **_Four Months Ago..._ **  
_My father's here today. This is the first time I have seen him since I first came here. Pathetic isn't it, that a father can neglect his son for three years, not giving a shit. He's not even really here for me, he's here to see Crowley. My dad's been to the school several times since I started here, but he never came to see me, always using the excuse that I was in a lesson or a drill at the time. Does he think that would bother me? I would have preferred to see him. But this time, I'm not in a lesson, so he's agreed to actually see me. Funny thing is, I would prefer to be in a lesson this time. I lost hope in my father a long time ago. Two years ago to be precise, when my mother told me they had split. She said it was my dad's choice and not hers. He never even gave a reason, he just left. He didn’t even say goodbye to Sammy._  
 _When I saw him enter the building, I was ready to ignore him, depending on what he had to say about the situation, but he never mentioned it._  
 _I don't know how blind my father is to the truth, or whether he's just choosing not to see anything, because the day before Crowley had lost his rag with me, he'd threw a punch in my direction and I had the worst black eye that I'd ever seen. He never mentioned that either, never even asked how I got it. Thing is, if he'd of asked, I would have told the truth, I was so ready to get everything off my chest but he didn't even bother to ask how I was. He just said hi, told me he was proud that I'd actually managed for so long without trying to run away, without trying anything stupid. What kind of father says that to their first born? None that I knew off, but now my own father was doing it too me.  
He stayed in my room for no more than five minutes. As he left, he told me that he had been speaking to Crowley, and he managed to do one fatherly thing today. He told me that by what Crowley had been telling him, I had been doing well, and he was proud of me. He told me I'd make a good soldier. He smiled at me and then left. And that was it. The first meeting with my father for three years and that's all I get. No 'I missed you,' 'I can't wait until you're home.' Hundreds of childhood memories were killed just through this one meeting. Was this his idea all along? As soon as he could get my mum to agree to send me to this hell hole, that was it, he was done with me? I wasn't even sure if I would see him again. I wasn't sure whether that thought bothered me or not._

 

"He's always been quiet to be honest with you, I've never known a kid like him!" I wake up to hear Balthazar talking in hushed tones, by the sound of it, he's sat close by.  
"But has he always been this quiet? Or did he get more quiet over a period of time?" Cas is talking now, in the same hushed down tone as Balthazar.  
"He used to be quite cool! He's gotten worse since Crowley has been on his case!" Gabriel is here as well. What the fuck are they talking about me for? I lay still with my eyes closed. The longer I pretend to sleep, then the more I'll hear.  
"Crowley?" Cas questions.  
"Yeah, he's the sergeant in charge of our squadron. He's always coming down on Dean hard because of, I don't know really, he's always getting at him but I don't know why," Gabriel actually sounds confused, but then, that isn't hard. Blonde truly is a good hair colour for him.  
"He does get called into his office a lot, I'm forever taking him to Crowley's office," Balthazar pipes up.  
"Hmm," Cas sighs. I think it's about time I made my own appearance now, I groan and stretch my arms which makes me yelp in pain as it stretches the scorn marks.  
"Dean!" Gabriel jumps up from his bed where he, Balthazar and Cas were all sat. "I was so worried, dude! What was that about?"  
"What?" I blink dumbly at him.  
"Having a fucking breakdown in the middle of a field, I thought you'd lost your mind," Gabriel rambles, sitting on the edge of my bed.  
"That was you?" Sitting here now I'm embarrassed at being caught in the middle of a meltdown.  
"Yes, and if you ever do that to me again, I'm going to shove a rifle up your ass!" Gabriel threatened, but he looked down at me with relief in his eyes.  
"I'm just going to leave you three alone, it's almost time for lights out so you better get ready for Sergeant Crowley," Cas said Crowley's name as though it was a disease, I also noticed he avoided even looking at me, let alone looking me in the eye. Cas walked out of the room quickly, staring straight ahead.  
"It's lights out already?" I groan, I couldn't have slept the day off could I?  
"Yeah, you missed double Maths, and Science! I'm gonna have a mental breakdown if it gets me out of those lessons in future," Gabriel jibed. "You alright man, you really had lost it out there."  
I shake my head slowly. He asked if I was alright, and I gave him the truth. I feel like shit. Especially as what I screamed at Cas came back to me.  
"I'm just going to... to apologise to Cas!" I jump up from the bed and head towards the door but Balthazar stops me.  
"Lights out is in two minutes, if Crowley catches you out of quarters after that time, you're going to find yourself back in his office," He smiles sadly at me.  
"But you could give me permission?" I say hopefully. "I mean, I have just had a mental breakdown, a therapist is just what the doctor ordered!"  
Balthazar sighs, eyeing me slowly. "I'm giving you half an hour. That's all. If you're any longer than that, then on your head be it."  
"Thank you, oh thank you!" I actually hugged Balthazar before running out of the bedroom, out of the building and across the field, trying to catch up with Cas.  
I'm already at the school building where Cas is staying, and I can't see him. I push open the double doors and Ellen is sat in the Reception with headphones on. When she sees the door open she pulls the ear pieces out and watches me.  
"What are you doing out of quarters, Dean?" She asks carefully, "Sergeant Crowley is on his way out to you lot now!"  
"I have permission from Balthazar to be out of quarters for half hour. I just needed to see Cas for two minutes, have you seen him?" I explain quickly.  
"He just went up to his room now. Don't push it Dean, get back on time for me, promise me," Ellen was begging me again. What is with everyone lately? I didn't answer, I just nodded and ran up the corridor and up the stairs until I found myself outside of Cas' temporary office. On the way here, adrenaline kept me going, now I was here I didn't actually know what I was going to do. For some reason I felt that I had to do something big to get Cas to forgive me, but I didn't know what that was.  
I tapped the door gently, and leant against the wall to catch my breath. The door clicked open and Cas peered out cautiously.  
"Winchester?" Cas looked more than a little surprised to see me. He didn't invite me into his office.  
"Can we talk?" I ask, still short of breath.  
"It's lights out, Winchester, you have to leave!" Cas says, almost coldly. He shuts the door. I stare at the door, and again, I feel the tears building up.  
"Cas, PLEASE!" Now it's me doing the begging, as I bang my fists against the door, the tears threatening to flow down my cheeks. The door opened almost instantly, and Cas takes me into his arms and leads me into his office. A few seconds later, I find myself sat in the leather chair. Cas sits in the plastic chair, the tables have turned, I can't help but chuckle. I look at Cas and I can still see coldness in his eyes.  
"What did you want, Winchester?"  
"I wanted to say I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say what I did earlier. I don't know why I said it I, I, I don't know what happened to me earlier, I've never lost it like that before," I looked Cas in the eyes through the whole sentence, hoping it would prove I was being sincere.  
"When you bottle up problems for so long, keep something like that to yourself, well, you're bound to crack at some point," Cas smiles sympathetically.  
"Still doesn't give me the right to go around and insult innocent people, and worst of all, you’re the one person who actually wants to help me and not make things worse!" I sigh. "I really am sorry!"  
"I know you are," That lopsided smile is back, and again, my stomach flips. A strange feeling takes hold of me, my whole body feels warm, and butterflies fill my belly.  
Cas is looking at me with an amused smirk now, his eyes searching mine. "Do I have something on my face?" He asks, running his hand over his mouth as if trying to get rid of anything that might be there.  
I jump out of my trance and shake my head. "No, sorry, I ... sorry!"  
Cas laughed and stood up from his chair. "I think you better leave, before you get yourself into some trouble, up you get!" Cas sighs and walks over to the door.  
I stand up and follow Cas. He turns at the door, his hand ready to release the handle.  
"So, I'll see you tomorrow morning, at ten maybe? Get you out of morning drill?" Cas winks at me. I don't know what possessed me but I lunged forward, pushing Cas back against the door, I pressed my mouth against his. The kiss was far from gentle, and thinking about it, Cas didn't respond in the slightest. I think I've just made one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I jump back quickly, not looking at Cas. He steps back from the door, and I pull the door open.  
"See you tomorrow," I mutter and practically run out of the room.


	12. Chapter 12

_*Flashback*_   
_**Two Months Ago...** _   
_I slump backwards against the metal barriers and allow my breathing to return to normal, before daring to look at that wall that looms before me. It's this damn assault course again. It's been almost two hours since I saw another cadet out here, half hour since Crowley left me to return to his quarters. His twisted trick today was to leave me in the sewage water underneath the swing rope. I was trapped in there for almost half an hour, trying to climb out but the wet banks making it impossible. I don't even want to think of how many litres of that rank tasting water trickled down my throat as I thrashed about, begging Crowley to help me. Watching him laugh as I desperately clawed at the muddy sides is possibly one of the most embarrassing moments in my life._   
_Just as I had given up hope and allowed my body to become limp, my head starting to sink down into the murky depths of the water, I felt a tight grip around my arms. Crowley had pulled me up and laid me down next to the water._   
_"You're pathetic, Winchester," He shook his head and walked off, leaving me. "Finish the course before you go to bed!"_   
_So now, here I was, it was almost 10pm and I know that I don't have the energy to get over that fucking wall. Even though I know this, I have to try._   
_Stepping back a few feet, I take a deep breath and hope for the best. I sprint forward and grab hold of the rope. I only manage to take two steps up the wall before I fall back down, flat on my back. I yell out in pain and roll over. My face manages to find the muddiest part of the course and mud fills my nostrils and my mouth making me heave. I pull myself up on to all fours and throw up the mud and some of the sewage water._   
_I hear a noise to the right of me, and I dread the return of Crowley, ready to make this experience much worse for me. I look around but I see no one. I lower my neck and choke up some more water. My body shakes with coldness. The horrible feeling that comes with being sick takes over, my head spins and my body is sapped of whatever energy is left. I fall back onto the floor, not caring that my face is back in that inch deep puddle of mud again._   
_"Dean?" A deep but cautious voice calls out from the dark. I mumble in reply but the sound is hardly audible. I feel a hand gingerly touch my shoulder, and I hear a gasp before feeling myself being hauled up. I manage to turn my neck slightly to see that my rescuer was Balthazar, who had a concerned look on his face. He positions me so that he is carrying most of my weight, and then he helps me walk back to cadet quarters._   
_"But I need to finish the course before I go back," I rasp, my throat feeling sore and scratchy._   
_"No, you need to have a warm bath, and then you need to get into a warm bed is what you need to do!" Balthazar said determinedly, practically dragging me across the field now. "I can't believe he left you out there to finish the course at this time of night."_   
_Balthazar sits me down on the toilet seat of the Trainee Sergeants private bathroom, before running a bath. Without blinking an eye he orders me to remove my clothes. Instantly I freeze up. I don't want to bare myself in front of anyone ever again. Balthazar catches my look and sighs._   
_"Don't be shy, Dean. What you've got I've seen it all before," He smirks, but I still don't move. "Fine, I'll turn around."_   
_Although I'm still not entirely comfortable with this arrangement, it's better. I quickly remove my clothes and jump in the bath before he can turn around and catch me naked._   
_When he hears the water splash, he turns around and watches me, a small smile playing on his lips. "You're a weird one, Winchester!" He laughs and holds a towel out for me to take. "Once you're dry and changed, into bed, and you have permission from me to miss drill and lessons tomorrow," he winks and walks out of the room. I hear him climb into his own bed and smile. Why couldn't Balthazar be older, why couldn't he be my sergeant now?_

 

I knock timidly at the pale blue door in front of me. I stand on tiptoes and peer in through the distorted glass, looking for some sign of a person within. The sign comes in the shape of a large black blob that hovers in front of the door for a few seconds before a click sounds, and the door opens in front of me.  
"Dean," Cas smiles down at me, as he steps back to let me into the room. I hold back, nervous to be back in the same room with a man who not twenty four hours ago, rejected my kiss. Cas keeps smiling at me, waiting for me to come through. I look up at him quickly before diverting my eyes to the very interesting carpet pattern, I step past him and sit down in my normal seat without a word.  
"Not very chatty today then?" Cas asks after a couple of minutes silence. He has sat himself down opposite me, and although I haven't looked up at him since entering the room, I can feel his eyes on me.  
"You don't have to be embarrassed about last night, Dean," Cas says softly. I snort, and dare to hold eye contact with him. "You don't have to be, I mean that. It's completely normal..." Cas chews his lip, looking around the room, before he refocuses on me and carries on. "It's completely normal to form an attachment to, well, you've just realised that you might be, well, gay, and the only other gay person you know is me. It's normal to maybe feel that you have feelings for that person, as they are the only person who could possibly understand what you are going through," Cas sighs as he finishes his sentence off.  
Shut up you fool, that isn't what this is about. I really want to say that to him, but I hold it in. I think about what he has said, and as much as that makes sense to me, the more logical reasoning in my head is telling me that I really do have feelings for Cas. But are they really feelings, or are they, like he says, just me forming an attachment to the only person who could know what's happening to me? I still don't say a word, I just sit thinking, my eyes staring, unknowingly, at Cas.  
I hear Cas cluck his tongue and it draws me from my thoughts. I focus my attention on him and wait. He seems wary of actually talking to me, but he utters a sentence quietly, and I realise why. He was scared of breaking the already fragile bond that we shared.  
"Dean, in our last meeting, you told me that an officer touches you," was the sentence that he had said, a sad look came over his face as he watches my expression.  
I slide my chair back and shake my head from side to side.  
"I know it's going to be difficult for you to talk about this, Dean, but please trust me when I say that you will feel so much better if you get everything off your chest," Cas says quickly, trying to persuade me.  
"I can't," I sigh, I go back to my favourite position, looking at my feet. I look up though, when I hear Cas’ chair slide. He's walked around the desk and now he's kneeling down in front of me, his eyes searching mine.  
"Dean, I'm here to listen. I'm not here to take this any further, whatever you tell me, I can't tell a soul unless you give me permission!"  
"You told Ellen," I mumble, I look away from his eyeline.  
"That was different," Cas sighs heavily. "That was, I... I shouldn't have, I know I shouldn't. But you wouldn't have let me take pictures of your cuts, would you?" He asks, he looks so sad it hurts me to see him like it.  
I shake my head in answer and a flicker of hurt envelopes over Cas’ facial expression for just a second, before he carries on. "Look, I can't force you to say anything to me, but I really want to be able to help you, really I do, and I can't do anything without you being willing to open up to me." Cas stands up and leans against the desk, laying a hand either side of him for balance. "If you aren't ready, or willing to talk to me today, then, I may as well let you get on with your day," he looks into my eyes for just a second before he diverts his gaze.  
"You won't tell anyone?" I ask quietly, I look up at Cas, who shakes his head slowly. "Not even Ellen?" I ask as an afterthought.  
"Not even Ellen," Cas agrees. I look in his eyes and I notice a significant change, it's like a lightbulb has come on, sending a warm glow from deep within them. I didn't know my trusting him meant so much to him.  
"Ok, so in your own time, don't rush yourself, tell me what’s happened with this officer, what does he do, when did it start?" Cas has seated himself back in his chair now, his pen poised. He looks up quickly and adds, "Only tell me what you feel comfortable with, we don't need to talk about everything today, ok?"  
I smile slightly and nod, and I start.  
I tell him first how Crowley, although I don't give the name, used to treat me really well, he used to always ask how I was, wanted to see me every day, wanted to make sure that no one was getting at me. And then how he changed, that one day in his office, how he masturbated in front of me, how he bribed me with skipping drills and lessons to not tell anyone. I watched Cas’ face as I spoke, and as much as he tried not to show any feelings or emotions, anger was written all over his face as he dragged the pen across the paper, writing down every word I told him. Frowning, I carried on. I told about the first time that Crowley raped me, how he had made me consent to the act.  
"It was my fault, I let him do it, I told him he could do it," I find myself repeating the sentence over and over as tears fall down my cheeks. Cas jumps up from his chair almost immediately after he heard my voice getting high pitched, like he had anticipated the tears. He ran around the desk and pulled a chair close to me. He sat down and he put his hand on my cheek, forcing me to look at him.  
"Dean, anything this man has done to you, it's not your fault, you didn't do anything wrong, do you understand that?" He says, trying to comfort me. I nod my head but I don't believe him. As if Cas knows this, he sighs. "I mean it. It's the way these people work, they make you feel like it's your fault, like you deserve it, but you don't, nobody deserves it!" he grinds his teeth angrily at the end of the sentence.  
"But I do deserve it! I do! My dad sent me here to have the sissyness beaten out of me, this is Crowley's way of doing it, this is how he plans to make me stronger," I nod, agreeing with myself.  
"Crowley?" Cas is looking at me, I can definitely see the anger in his eyes.  
"No, NO. I didn't mean... No, I, He... Shit!" I slam my hand against my head and curse myself.  
"I thought it was him. Bastard!" Cas steams. He stands up and goes back to his paper, he notes something down.  
"You can't do anything, you promised me!" I jump up from my seat and try to steal the paper from the desk but Cas gets there first.  
"I won't say anything if you don't want me to Dean, but if you would just let me talk to some people, we could get you out of this school..."  
"NO! You can't, I can't leave this school, my dad will go psycho at me! Don't you understand? I need to prove to him that I can do this, to show him that he was wrong about me, Please, I... I can handle it for just a few more months," I sigh and slump back into the chair.  
"I think that's enough for today, Dean. We both need to calm down before we carry on, see you tomorrow at the same time?" Cas looks up at me, he's holding the paper protectively in his hand. I nod in reply and stand up.  
Cas follows me to the door, he puts his arm over my shoulder and lowers the handle. I take a step forward.  
"No goodbye kiss today?"  
I turn around quickly and catch Cas raising his eyebrow at me, a jovial smile on his lips.  
"I, Erm..." I can't quite work out what to say to that.  
"I was joking, Dean," Cas smirks, but at the same time, I can't help but feel disappointed that he was joking. "Unless... you know..." Cas scratches his arm and my stomach flips. Is that a proposal? Only one way to find out. I step back into the room, and Cas slams the door behind me. As soon as it clicks shut, he gently pushes me backwards and leans in towards me.  
As soon as our lips meet, it feels like a bolt of lightning has struck me. My whole body feels warm and tingly. My heart feels like it is doing a thousand beats a minute as Cas pushes his tongue slowly into my mouth and softly roams around my mouth. I moan and find myself grateful that I am leaning against the door, if I hadn't of been, I know for certain my knees wouldn't hold my weight.  
Cas’ hand curls around my waist and pulls me into him as he deepens the kiss, his other arm travels up and under my t-shirt, running along my back. I feel my dick harden in response.  
I roughly push Cas away from me, and pull the door open. I run from the room and out of the building.  
In my head, thoughts are running wild. I am so confused. I have different emotions telling me different things. Part of me wanted Cas to carry on. In his arms I feel safe and protected. But my mind was playing tricks on me, after a while, instead of Cas, my mind was showing me Crowley. Instead of Cas, all I could feel was Crowley’s rough hands, all I could hear was Crowley’s mocking voice, his cold laugh.  
Was it always going to be this way? No matter who I was with, would I always see Crowley, would I always hear his voice? The very thought makes me cold, the very thought makes me eyes well up with tears as I run across the field and back to my dorm room. Arriving back to the empty room, I was thankful that lessons were still on. I curl up in my bed and let all of the confusing thoughts run around my head as I fall into a restless sleep.


	13. Chapter 13

_*Flashback*_   
**_One Month Ago..._ **   
_"Class dismissed," Sergeant Michaels shouts to the ten cadets stood in front of him. He had been left in charge of a training programme because Crowley had something better to do. I always loved the lessons that Balthazar covered, they were much more fun and relaxed._   
_I follow my peers into the showering facilities, and sit on the wooden bench, like I always do. I wait for everyone else to finish before I dare to remove an item of clothing from my body, not letting anyone see my cuts and bruises. I wait for ten minutes and there are still a few stragglers taking their time._   
_"Winchester!" I hear my name shouted and I jump up and turn to face Balthazar, saluting him before I stand quite still. "Why haven't you showered yet, Winchester?" he asks, he furrows his eyebrows._   
_"I... I..." I can't think of a good excuse._   
_"Strip down and get into the showers now," he commands. He doesn't turn away, he stands and waits for me to start undressing, which I have no choice but to do it. I slip my t-shirt over my head and I hear a gasp. I look around me and I can see five pairs of eyes looking at my chest. Gabriel and Balthazar are among them. I follow the eye lines and see the red dash that runs across my torso from where Crowley cut me. I put my arms up defensively and run from the room, forgetting the shower and forgetting my shirt. I find myself back in the dorm before I move my arms. I change my clothes and climb into bed, when Gabriel and Balthazar return I shall pretend to sleep._   
_They returned before that was possible, however, just a couple of minutes after me. I needn't have worried though. Although Gabriel and Balthazar shared a glance when they saw me, they never said a word about what they had seen._

 

I'm sat in maths, long division running around my already cluttered brain. 'If a train left the station at 9.27am and was travelling at thirty miles an hour, what time would it arrive at...' Oh this is just stupid. I sigh as I feel a hand tap my shoulder. I look up, thankful for the interruption. I find myself looking into the concerned eyes of Balthazar.  
"Winchester, you're requested to be at Doctor Novak’s' office in five minutes, of you go," He smiles slightly at me, and waits for me to get up.  
"But I'm supposed to be here..." I go to argue but the look on Balthazar's face makes me stop. I sigh again and jump up from my seat. I leave my things and head towards Cas’ office.  
My stomach does twists and turns as I reach his door, thoughts of that kiss swilling around my head. I blush just thinking about the way his hand brushed along my stomach and down my leg. By the time I've knocked the door, I feel the urge to be sick.  
Cas opens the door just a few seconds later and steps back to let me in. He shuts the door behind me and then heads over to his chair. He sits down, without saying a word. I look at the floor as I shuffle over to the desk, and sit down, on the edge of my seat.  
I dare to look up, and Cas is looking at me, a cautious look on his face. My noticing him watching doesn't stop him. He stares at me for a few more seconds, before he opens his mouth.  
"What I did yesterday was stupid, and I'm sorry," He says slowly, his eyes look down at the paper in front of him. "I let personal feelings get in the way of what's important here, I shouldn't have!"  
"Don't I get to choose what's important here?" The words leave my mouth without any encouragement from my brain. I don't know where it came from.  
Cas blinks at me, before an amused smile crosses his mouth. "I guess, yes, you do. Why?" He raises his eyebrows.  
"Well, what we... that... thing, yesterday, that well, it diverted my attention from what was happening, even for just a few minutes. And that's a good thing, so therefore, an important one and well. There's no need to apologise for something good," I say, trying to word what was running through my mind, but failing miserably.  
Cas clicks his tongue, and goes back to being silent for a few minutes.  
"Even so," He finally talks. "You're confused, you don't really know what you want right now," Cas sighs.  
"With all respect, I think only I can make that kind of judgement, and I don't. I think I know what I want, more than I ever have done," I object, a frown on my face.  
Cas actually laughs at this, I don't see what's so funny. He nods slowly and then he goes all serious again.  
"Dean, we really need to discuss what we are going to do with you, and about Crowley," He looks sad as he talks, and also a little guilty.  
"What did you do?" I can feel it, he's gone and done something, he promised he wouldn't but I just know he has.  
"Don't be angry with me Dean, but, I've contacted someone from Social Services. They want to talk to you," he doesn't catch my eye.  
"NO! You promised. You said I didn't have to do anything about this, I don't want to talk to anyone," I let a solitary tear fall down my cheek, and I know immediately it's anger that has forced it out.  
"Ok, ok, Dean, you don't have to. They don't know any details, I just wanted that option there for you. If you spoke to them, they could get Crowley away from you, and away from this school, that way you'd still be here, but safe from any harm," Cas tries to persuade me.  
As good as this sounds, I still shake my head, determined to show that it's the last thing I want to do.  
"I don't understand why you want to keep on suffering, when you really don't need to," Cas sighs, and looks at me with confusion written on his face.  
I mutter something low, so low that it is inaudible to me even, I'm not sure whether I wanted Cas to hear the words or not.  
"I'm sorry, I never caught that," Cas leans closer towards me.  
Slowly, and only just a little bit louder, I repeat myself.  
"If this ends, I don't get to see you anymore."  
Cas’ jaw literally drops as the words sink in. He sits back in his chair and looks like he's thinking deeply.  
"It wouldn't have to be like that," He says, still looking deep in thought.  
"Why wouldn't it? You'd have sorted the problem out, I'd be out of any danger, you'd have to leave to go back to wherever it is you came from, helping other people. I'd be the last thing on your mind!" I rant.  
Cas smirks. "I've come from a little town just up the road. Still in Kansas. And Dean, funnily enough, I don't think you could ever be the last thing on my mind,"  
"What do you mean by that?" I look up at him.  
"I mean, I don't know what I mean. It's weird, you're so young but so beyond your years it's cruel. You should be out having fun but instead your here, going through hell and back. And you're willing to keep it that way for me!" Cas seems to be talking more to himself than he is to me.  
"I like you, I mean, I more than like you," I blush and look down quickly, fear of sounding stupid.  
"Dean, I'm not helping you. If anything were to happen between us, it would only fuck you up more."  
Correction, I'd like to be fucked up more by you. I smirk to myself as thoughts of Cas’ hands running along my skin fill my head.  
"No, you are the only thing that keeps me sane. If you went, I'd crack, with or without Crowley here, I need you here to keep me safe," I've never meant anything more.  
Cas sighs. "If you spoke to social services, you would see me again."  
"You've already said I wouldn't, it's too weird for you, you've already said that," I feel the urge to cry as I feel Cas slipping further and further away from me. I know he's right, I know I have to speak to the social services about this.  
Cas gets up and drags a chair over to me, he sits down next to me and looks deep into my eyes.  
"I promise you, I wouldn't go anywhere. Well, I'd go somewhere, but I'd visit you."  
"That wouldn't be enough."  
"Dean, you can't really be serious about, you know, something more between us?"  
"I've never been more serious about anything else in my life," My lip wobbles, I'm only pushing him further away.  
"Dean this is just, a kind of, crush. I mean, I think you’re having these feelings because I'm the one who's helping you, I can't take advantage of that," Cas says, he scuffs his trainers along the floor.  
"You wouldn't be taking advantage, how can you be when I'm the one who initiates it?" I ask coyly.  
"What?" Cas blinks at me.  
I don't answer, instead I lean forward and find myself kissing Cas again, my hands running over any part of his body that I can find. He tries to resist the kiss at first, pushing gently at me, but he stops after a few seconds and returns the kiss, I slide forward, vacating my chair, and instead, sit myself down into Cas’ lap, straddling him.  
"Dean," Cas moans into my mouth, his feeble attempt of getting me to stop doesn't work and he realises this. He puts his arms under my ass and lifts me up slightly, then he stands up. A few moments later, I feel myself being lowered down onto something soft. I break the kiss and look up to see Cas leaning over me. I'm led on his camp bed. We both watch each other for a few minutes before I put my hands out and tug Cas down on top of me.  
"Dean," Cas says again, and I look up into his eyes and I see fear. I see confusion, and I can see he is worried. I let him talk. "I, we shouldn't rush this, I don't want to hurt you more."  
"I'll stop you, if, and when I feel the need to," I say quietly. He smiles down at me and brings his lips to mine again, then he lowers them, along my neck. His hands are under my t-shirt, gently sliding over my stomach, he puts his hand higher and tweaks at my nipples. I yelp at the tingling sensation he has caused and squirm underneath him. He tugs my t-shirt up and over my head and kisses along my torso. He glides his tongue gently over the marks caused by the scolding water, his left hand fiddles with the button on my trousers, his right hand is playing with the fine hair under my belly button.  
Cas jumps as he hears a tap at the door. He is still led on top of me, and he looks down with terror on his face.  
"Go and get it then," I laugh slightly at him. He jumps up quickly, and pulls his jeans down so they cover the bulge in his crotch area. I run over to the table and sit in my chair, sliding it under the table as much as I can. I have just finished pulling my t-shirt down when Cas opens the door.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter, and the last...
> 
> But an epilogue to follow!

"Novak," Crowley greets Cas, with a sneer on his face.  
"You bas..." Cas starts to say, but I cough loudly in the background and he stops. "What's the problem?" Cas diverts the conversation.  
"My problem is, you, taking a student out of an important class. It was stated in your contract, that you wouldn't remove a student from one of the main classes unless it was really important," the sneer is still on Crowley's face.  
"I happen to think that this is an important reason," Cas says bluntly, running his hand through his hair.  
Crowley runs his eyes up and down Cas’ body, taking in the low waisted jeans, his clammy complexion, and the sweat forming along his forehead. He glances at me in the same way.   
"Oh yeah, I can see that," He murmurs sarcastically. "Winchester, get to my office. Now!"  
I jump up from my chair, and walk out of the room, giving Cas a timid smile as I leave.  
"What do you need to see him right now for?" Cas sighs. "We was in the middle of a session!"  
"I can see that," Crowley smirks, and follows me back to his office.

Inside his office, Crowley slams the door behind him, then pushes me down to the ground. He pulls at my combat trousers roughly, ripping the button clean off, he tugs downwards and my trousers slip down my waist easily. My boxers quickly follow.  
"So! You're getting it on with the psychiatrist, eh Winchester? Well, I'll soon get that silly little notion out of your head."  
"I'm not..." I start to protest, but Crowley pulls me up by my wrists and turns me over. I hear him undo his belt and prepare myself for his torture. I close my eyes and clench my fists. I allow thoughts of Cas’ tender touch to fill my head as Crowley penetrates me. I scream with the force of it, the lack of preperation, but I keep my eyes closed, begging the thoughts of Cas to stay with me throughout this.


	15. Epilogue

My mind is on Cas as Crowley forces himself further into me. I scream out again, I hate him so much.  
"Crowley," An angry yell radiates around the room, and suddenly the pain is gone. I fall flat onto my stomach, and allow the tears to stream down my face. I don't look up as I feel somebody pull me to my feet. I keep my head down, my eyes closed, I keep my mind away from this room. My head is in Cas’ room, reminding myself that there are nice people out there. As much as my mind isn't present in the room, I feel myself lean onto the person who is holding me. I tuck my head into the crook of their neck and chest, and I sob. The tears rack my body and my senses come back to me. There's somebody else here, somebody else who knows about what Crowley has done. I flick my head up, and I'm in Cas’ arm. He's whispering into my ear. He's telling me that everything is going to be ok now, that everything is over. He tells me to stand still, and he bends down beside me. He pulls my trousers up from around my ankles and holds them there, as they won't stay up on their own now that the button has broken.  
I look around the room, and realise that Crowley is not there. Instead, there is a man that I have never seen before. He is dressed in a sergeants uniform, and he's smiling at me, kindly. I bury my head in Cas’ chest.  
"Dean, this is sergeant Singer," Cas whispers into my ear. I look up, slightly confused. People always talked about Sergeant Singer, as though he was a nasty, tough looking guy., I snuggle back into Cas as he carries on talking. "I'm sorry but I couldn't let him do this too you!"  
I want to laugh in an ironic way. Cas is apologising for helping me. For finally getting this monster away from me. I don't know why I didn't let him do it sooner. Actually I do. And that reason is making it hard for me to breathe right now.  
“Cas I don't want to lose you," I gasp between my tears. "I don't want to lose you!" I repeat the sentence over and over again.  
"I know," Cas sighs and he holds me tighter. Cas is crying too.

 

**Four Years Later**

I have overslept this morning, which means I am now running late for the first class of the new school year. I thought after eight years of early starts, drills and training that I would be used to it all by now, but I'm not. I still hate having to get up at the crack of dawn, and this year, I'm going to have to be up earlier than usual. Even so, I've never been more excited about anything in my life.  
I jog across the field of the military school. Outside the white stoned building, I slow down, and calm down my breathing. I step inside, and Ellen smiles up at me.  
"You're late, Winchester."  
"Ya huh, I know!" I acknowledge her, then head towards the music room. My personal favourite enrichment class. I step inside the classroom and all faces look in my direction. I smile nervously, and then take my seat.  
I stroke the leather softness of the chair, and appreciate the change.  
Today, is my first day as Sergeant Winchester, head of Squadron 6, and part time music teacher.  
Meeting the new cadets that morning had been crazy. The memories of my first day had swam through my head. The dread, the terror. The hatred I had felt towards my father. It hit me that these kids were feeling exactly the same as me, and some of them were younger than I had been when I joined.  
I know my place in the cycle of this school. I have to be a bastard. I'm supposed to be cruel. But I wanted to show these kids that they had a friend in me, that they had no reason to be scared of me. Well, if they annoyed me, or did something wrong, then they did have something to be worried about. Without a doubt. I can dish punishments out as well as the next person and I wouldn't be scared to do so, I let them know that. But I also let them know that, I am here for them. If they are getting bullied, if they have a problem in general, then, they shouldn't be scared to approach me. I wanted them to have the reassurance that I never had. I wanted them to know that no matter what might happen to them, they always had someone to talk to. They wouldn't have to wait three years for a savour.  
I looked across the field, as I showed the platoon how drill would be carried out, and I spotted Balthazar standing on the side lines, watching me carry out the drill. A proud smile is on his face, and as he spots me looking at him, he nods in acknowledgement.  
Balthazar was next in line for Sergeant status when Sergeant Crowley got dismissed from the school. He was my sergeant for only half a year before it was my turn to leave. It was weird, after the hell I had been through here, I didn't want to leave. My life had flipped turned upside down in just a few days, and I was actually happy to be here then.  
Just as I left here, my case against Sergeant Crowley went to court. It was a long and gruelling process, but after a month of recounting every attack, every scar, Crowley got what was coming to him. He had to sign a sex offenders register, and he was also sent to prison with an eight year sentence. With good behaviour, he could be out by now, only half way through his sentence. That thought terrifies me. I have nightmares that, one night, he will find me, and it will all start again.  
But I know, realistically, that's not possible. I'm older now, and a lot stronger than I was. He can't hurt me any more.  
I left school the same year as Gabriel, only Gabriel never had a choice in what he did straight away. At first he was sent off to the nearest military base to start his basic training. But there, he met three guys who started up a band. A couple of years later, and all four of them signed themselves out of the base, and four years on, just as Gabriel had said, they have, themselves, graced the pages of Rock Revolt.  
I got the choice, after my ordeal, of what I wanted to do, and obviously I didn't want to go into the army. So I left, and got myself a job, but after a few months I knew I didn't belong in that sort of role. So I came back here, to the military school, and put myself up for training. I put myself into Balthazar's shoes, and now I realise how much he had to deal with, how much responsibility he had. I loved every second of it though and every second is worth it now that I am sat here, in front of my own class.  
Another person on the side lines this morning, looking prouder than anybody else, was Cas. He had the broadest smile splashed across his face, and he kept giving little waves throughout the drill. It didn't make me look to professional I guess, but It got me through that first task with a smile on my face.  
Since the day Sergeant Singer walked in on Crowley raping me, Cas has been by my side. For the six months that were left of school term, he was kept on at the school as therapist to all students. But, he was only kept on for the same reason as why he was hired. For me. Nobody knew at the time that I had feelings for him, they kept him on, as they figured I'd need some help now this had all come to head. And I did. Every night, when I woke up in cold sweats, and the pictures of Crowley's attacks running through my mind, it was never too late or never too early to knock on Cas’ door. He helped me be me again. He helped make me smile. I found myself becoming more confident. I even improved on the assault courses, and conquered that god damn wall!  
We talked about 'us' several times in the six months, but we kept our relationship purely friendship based. Cas said he didn't want to hurt me more, he didn't want me to take things too quickly. Looking back, he was right, but back then it hurt. Looking at him, and not knowing he was mine hurt like a bitch.  
But when the six months was over, and it was time for me to move on, Cas was part of the package. He let me move in with him, into the flat that he had. We started out in separate rooms, again, Cas was scared of hurting me or taking things too fast. It only took a month for us to realise that we wanted to be together though, and a month after that we were in the same bed.  
It took a year for me to allow Cas to touch me in an intimate way, but he never complained, he just waited. And when it happened, it felt so right. I never thought I'd be able to enjoy sex again, after the three years of abuse, but it turns out, with the right man, I could enjoy it as much as any other person.  
It's weird. Looking back to four years ago, I couldn't see myself with any sort of future. In fact, Four years ago, I figured I'd be dead by now. If not by an attack by Crowley, then by my own depression. It goes to show how things can change.  
I've never been happier. I have a man I love and who loves me back. I have a great job and for once, I can actually look forward to the future. I know I wouldn't be here without Cas, he saved me just in time, and for that I am forever grateful.


End file.
